First I would like to describe some sense of being a composer of music from my point of view. Basically this is not true that you need to know music theory to compose music. I am the best proof for it. I am hearing melodies in my imagination since I remember. Since I started to listen selectively and carefully and since I started to use DAW computer programs I suddenly discovered that I can hear in my imagination not only melodies but generally whole songs and concentrate on every part, instrument or aspect of what I am dreaming musically. Or to say what is being dreamed to my musical imagination in a particular moment. Initially it used to be just moments and I had a problem to remember that experiences. But in Secondary School when I was running home recording studio most actively such a vivid musical imagination just remained as a new field of my subjective experience. However I am easily disturbed and distracted – especially when being in a creative musical mode (I think that this is not only my case but about being easily distracted by musicians further), especially when feel to be a target of aggressive behavior or when someone else plays with my feelings like tries to induce a feeling of a shame in me. For example sometimes I was suggested to be this or that. Like that or like this. Etc. I realized that for some people I am completely not me and to see me in myself is not enough so they compare me to someone else. Sometimes positively in their eyes, sometimes intentionally negatively. The second option is a typical for so called haters and energetic vampires. People who cannot stand that my mood, what I experience may be independent to their intentions. I think that such a situation starts from an innocent influx of jealousy that not extinguished for example due to a sense of a social norm by a person can turn into a regular hateful behavior. People often turn their jealousy or envy into hate. It is much easier to admit that we hate someone or something than what is more true that we are jealous. The most cultural people I known in my life had for example good manner not only to feel jealousy but they also admitted to me with honesty what they feel. And it was a very good way to resolve sometimes not wished feeling of guilt or embarrassment that as sensitive people we can feel in a contact with some people who feel something negative but do not admit what they feel, the most emotionally blind even will swear they do not feel anything. Some psychologists call them that they suffer from alexithymia. After clinical psychology studies and when not professionally diagnosing I call all of them like that schizophrenics because I am too lazy to try to understand which people are messed up this way in fact. When I am in a very personal, subjective and creative mode I am not a clinical psychologist. States of being very personal and diagnosing someone else are so much of total distant extremes of experience that we cannot even choose that one time we are like that and other time different. Being aesthetically sensitive is one thing and being empath is different. Both can be experienced, developed by normal people but maybe not exclude each other but in a pure form are like from completely different order even when this is an order of for example a set of the same things or similar things – empath will look at them differently and an artists who seeks for aesthetics will look at them differently than only someone who wants to understand, get into shoes of someone else, see from the point of view of someone else. Sometimes empaths also see from the point of view of an artist but are not artists same time are not creative – do not want to or cannot, empaths may see it not necessary to be concerned about aesthetics too much. Artists can often feel too much but will not understand why not to seek for some idea, perfection, aesthetic peak of something but only to feel something and see from the point of view of someone else to whom empath approach has been extended. There are also empaths who see their empathy as an art not a gift and artists who see their artistic mastery in how they get into someone else perspective. Only such a case we can say – both representatives tend to a similar center of weigh and may have something in common, maybe may be of the same kind and converge to the same not specified goal of proficiency in what they do in general, in all aspects of it. Sometimes people who are born with an artistic gift (or stigma – it depends how to look – it is not a gift in a full meaning of being gifted with something – because artists suffer from magnifying also experience of own pain, pain of other people and a phenomenon that I call to be over-inspired, overly inspired – like being overloaded) simply get into this mode and become open, personal, even intimate to what they experience and it can turn into experience of music also. And when we encounter negative people or have feelings to negative people because being empathetic, opened in general means being opened to wrong people sometimes, what is worse, sometimes we share our true feelings with them. But this is sometimes bad luck of an artist, sometimes being not careful, but we cannot control our feelings. This is one reason how artists differ from other types of people. Feelings of artists are intense, sometimes metaphorically saying explosive, changing like clouds, and wrong people who just grab, grasp such feelings like monkeys can mess a bit for a while in what such a person is experiencing. Sometimes same problems have also not creative people. For example realistic and depressed but being a bit low in their mood. Artists are not necessarily low. This is far more complex. They can be high, low, may swing between different feelings, moods and states but due to sense of being moved by something external, internal like from imagination or being inspired. Here negative people can also play a role because can learn to inspire artists and play with them this way again. And a stupid circle closes in this point. This means an accidental monkey messes up other person’s intimate feelings for example and the result is often horrible – of what an opened person is experiencing. Some negative people want to give you only a shit because this is all what they have. And they cannot have anything else because they are stuck in a loop. They do something wrong all the time so are given at the end shit, sometimes doubled or tripled so they search for new victims and sometimes encounter a blessing like an artist. I mean a blessing for them is to meet an artist. Because a feature of an artist is that he or she is not too much present sometimes, not too much sober, common-sensed, waked up (not awaken!), not down to earth. In the eyes of someone who wish him or herself to benefit in a short time when encounters such a potential victim. Artists often see their goals distant, long term. Negative people see everyone as a kind of a problem right now. Everyone may be an obstacle or someone to blame for something, to fuck up or to piss off. To use, to abuse, everything but not to leave other person on their own way but to interfere, induce something, stimulate, intervene, disturb, bother, intrigue, distract etc. Like negative are being all the time by their hard to say – fate, bad luck or whatever they would call. Artists have their loops, negative people have own loops and empath people have also loops. All of them have different rituals, habits, typical problems and mistakes and develop each group a bit different mechanisms how they cope with life, problems, and develop in long run different diseases. Negative people are not able or not trained to focus on own business but exploit sometimes intimate parts of other person. Such people are very dangerous to a musical experience. For example I lose my interest in music due to simply being ashamed. It does not mean I cannot imagine music anymore. But for me personally such a talent is something I have. I got used to it so when I feel ashamed and realize that other people join such haters to mock this kind of my sensitivity I simply do not see it necessary to share this part of me. I also start to defecate on other people who behave this way and when see that sometimes such a group grows up and any positive trends are not easy to be seen I treat this as a social phenomenon, sometimes global social phenomenon. In humankind history it was everything so far. It used to be that positive people won eg. popularity, beneficial position or whatever. And other time to say negative people. So who I can see as negative – under-performers, imitators, thieves, aggressive people, disorganized psycho people, organized psychos, energetic vampires, bullies and whatever we call them simply people who make their living on disturbing and distracting other people but not giving adequately anything in return to other people’s lives. I do not know if it is good enough to call musicians sensitive people or to claim that sensitive people are easily distracted. Even as a psychologist I need to say „I do not know”. It is far more complex. From my experience I can say sometimes for example I get excited easily. Sometimes I get distracted easily. But sometimes not. I think that all this microcosm is far more complex and music and it’s creators could say sometimes a lot about it and sometimes could not. Due to being overly stimulated, overly exposed with their feelings to musical inspirations.
Another issue. A word about musical inspiration. We cannot be trained to be inspired. We are sometimes inspired and sometimes not. We can say about success of being inspired and when are not this is even when we are stimulated with something inspiring we are not successfully inspired. For many reasons. Due to boredom, habituation, difference in individual sensitivity. I experienced in life long periods of being inspired but not musically creative. And sometimes very creative musically but I did not know where such a music I just play like directly from my heart comes from. And sometimes both. Inspired and creative.
People very educated in piano or the guitar sometimes used to not intentionally to made me feeling shame due to what they can play on the instrument. But the the end often I accidentally discovered that they are in fact not creative in what they play. They can play what they have learnt 1000 times and nothing more.
Other people I met used to be impressively skilled and/or talented. No matter educated or not. I met people of this kind educated and not. So many of both kind that it does not make sense to seek for difference in terms of creativity. For me impossible. All those impressed me especially with skills or talent the way last question I would like to ask was where did you learn this or that. Someone who impressed me with something becomes to be seen like a teacher by me. I see such people as educators. No matter if they were professionally educated or just talented. But I need to point out the fact that many of them used to be not educated. I could lie when say I did not learn creativity and was always creative on my own. In fact spontaneity of that second group representatives was contagious to me. I learned from them how to open to inspiration or how to be creative in terms of how to be spontaneous. And this is what we gain in the contact with positive people. Good music is generally positive. Even when covers sad story recalls it the way that we can experience the punch line or experience emotions in an adequate dose, music can help to put emotions in an order or to organize them, can recover lost clue or trace to an emotional experience, can restore what has vanished or been lost, can express something messed up or overloaded a constructive way, can extinguish excessive or inadequate emotional responses to real incidents that induce emotions. So music plays regulatory role to an emotional experience and to be creative in music composition means for me to know the matter of human emotions on a master level.
This is how I played today a theme from my composition that I created a few years ago.
I remember that whole song I created in one evening and main idea was just in my head when I have found a good sample to express my mood. When I know exactly what I feel but I can still find it hard to describe it verbally sometimes when I try to do this with a music is the only way that gives me a satisfactory resolution to my whole state of my soul. Sometimes it stimulates me to unwind that state. Sometimes it is more concise. Especially past experiences that I would not add anything to them. That I worked out them completely appear to me musically as very organized and precise. Are past and do not carry anything new to my feelings. Nothing to move on a basis of it. Just like a sentiment are just a little cell from my memory and nothing to build on it something new, nothing to be spontaneous about. That’s it.