I am sorry but I need to increase intervals between my blog entries and limit them to really short and just a few. So I hope this to be the last text like that on my blog. I have a lot of inspirations but I am shaped as an intellectual first and autumn is best time for writing really abstract texts or to commit to really abstract tasks of hard to explain in terms of just consequences for incoming days or weeks – a lot of what I do in my life has a meaning in terms of lifetime learning and development and gaining new insights for myself and almost every year of my life in my self conscious life I go really deep regularly when temperature outside goes to the level that it is the easiest thing to vent my head. I prefer lower temperatures. However to work for 8 hours at -7 and to work with group of 13 people from Germany as a snowboarding instructor was enriching experience however too tough for my nervous system so I had 2 weeks off during February. But I was stronger last winter. Much stronger than in 2013 or 2014. I experienced really deadly aftermath of EBV infection what took maybe 2 years of my life in the most severe period when I felt most seriously threatened by something hard to turn back that may started yet in NYC when I was for a few days by the end of summer 2012. What happened to me then is hard to explain and I do not want to blame one particular person or infection by bacteria. For me it is enough that now I know that I was understood by someone who triggered in me something really big and hard to explain that possibly happened simultaneously with my general exhaust, unhappiness. But what may sound funny I know intuitively something about that person since the first moment I realized her just as a person. After that I got used to her voice and further transformation but some first impression was consistent for me for whole part of my life I was feeling something about her. Same person is responsible for really big percent of my happiness in my life and last thing I wanted in my life was to hurt her. Really big cities are a source of all infection issues. And I experienced it on my own being almost every winter ill when living in Warsaw and feeling really strong in relatively heavy winters in mountain area.
First important thing for me is that it cost me a lot of courage to speak myself sometimes too abstract but often disclosing really personal threads from my life. I did not do this due to being an exhibitionist but as a sensitive person I did it because how I felt. And I mean particular people but one really special to my heart.
I am not sure if me today is what I present on my blog. Rather how I was sometimes and MOST OFTEN how other people intentionally and due to cruel intentions made me feel. I don’t think that my personality is generally something good for blogging. I completely do not feel to have a journalist nature or nature of an autobiographer. I am really self conscious entity that passed more than 180 exams and up to 100 of them might be really of the best humanist and psychological perspective to see oneself in its wholeness. I am a person gifted by talent and by studies to reach deepest insights into my own consciousness and possible experiences of others. To be honest if someone I try to get to was in my life as someone even not defined and never defined it would be easier for me to stop disclosing myself this way. Because the way I disclose myself on this platform is totally not of my nature however I expect this is the only way I can appeal to imagination of someone really important for me who finally started to see but maybe still not clear or not fully or not yet convinced to how I am. But does not have to or does not need to. As long as the more important will be who I am and not how I feel and how I am it is pointless to continue this way. I revealed enough to know enough about me in a position that she is now in her life. It is not a process of rescuing someone by me! It is bringing a justice to her life letting her know how great role she played in my life maybe not being aware of it for some time but now I am not sure how long. It impressed me but also scared. But only a bit. Because I am sure I do not know her really much. I always felt just that I know her. Sometimes that know her really well and sometimes just a bit. And I want to assure everyone that it was so pure experience for me that never was my intention to get obsessed or destructive towards her. To be completely honest to disturb her anyway it would be last thought for me. Cognition of someone else and intuition we know someone maybe even better sometimes than knows oneself (I mean sometimes!) may be sometimes true. And I had such feeling from the very beginning. And it was rooted in so many impressions and experiences that one day I was convinced that I am sure of it to the degree of forming some beliefs. But I doubt if those beliefs made me do whatever special to her (at this point I do not want to disappoint anyone – I am telling truth). I was most of the time passive even feeling something intense. But to honor her a bit in my own eyes and not wishing ever to let her know this and to realize her better I did really a lot but probably not as much as some of her best fans did or could do. For example. I never was on her concert because I did not want to fall in love with her physically. This is my first healthy principle in my whole life – not to waste my energy, not to waste time for something unreal to me, least likely to be reflected, to be returned – I mean my efforts or whatever. All my relationships started by accident under being given accidentally chances to neutrally talk with someone else or whatever this way! But no matter that I never continued to do anything extraordinary towards her or her life. Good or bad. I do not know. From my today’s perspective, what she tried to reveal about her feelings to my surprise a bit maybe bad. I really do not know. Sometimes maybe we can know our destiny by some insight, sometimes maybe fantasize too much or dream too much. I am not sure if how she may feel now because of me is much due to my fantasy, my dreams, my efforts. I rather changed my point of view into that it must be her simultaneous, free will initiative of own known reasons (but disclosing it in a slower pace what from today’s perspective I am grateful for, really thank you for this comfort, you helped me to avoid really much mess) I try not to investigate too much as long I am not sure or have no emotional „business” to engage for some fulfillment that is obvious when people share same feelings like in love share love, in friendship share feelings typical for friendship etc. I never struggled to know her. I just felt I know her by intuition. Much of this happened just at the beginning I realized her and some things started to come to me gradually. And it used to be sometimes I knew I lost some hard to say – a connection or something. Many people emphasize her change, her behavior, look, appearance, personality etc. I piss off all these opinions completely. Many of them are so addicted that I can find a job in mental hospital in the USA only knowing that will be needed as a specialist due to prediction how many could end this way due to negative consequences of disastrous obsession. But end of joking (or telling truth). Opinions of other people about her were for me always last thing to take into account. Sometimes we know that someone even not aware of it speak in general, just speak, and tell a lot about oneself, a lot of things universally but we can receive some of them as maybe not exclusively to ourselves but being so much of our own nature, having so much resonance with our own nature that once you encounter someone of the strong impression to be of your own kind and nothing seems to be the same after that. That resonance is intense experience and change us wholly and deeply. Example. During periods of my intensified introversion or shyness I experienced connections with some people even more shy than me. Some maybe 10 times more, some 20 and some 100 times more shy than me or something like that. But the imbalance between how much I was saying and how much them was making a big difference in terms of that they simply knew me better! The similar thing is with very popular people. There is a lot of facts known about them. But they rarely know single people who can really be experienced and knowledgeable about them. They often ignore to avoid chaos, cognitive overload or may be simply ignorant or too high to concentrate on details about other people especially when it is too many of them and they do not have an intention to know them. They have eg. intention to be popular or share something like songs and only this. This is generally their intention and far from this may settle relationships. This is just another cup of tea. Relationships. But it is naivety when you see that artist will want to have relationships only with artists and scientists with scientist. The same bullshit is that scientists cannot be artists or artists scientists. Or another bullshit that artists may be finally politicians and politicians may reveal some talents. Oh, sometimes and only some. Cute.
Back to the point before Example. And it does need to be called love immediately. Sometimes it is deep, life changing inspiration, sometimes fascination (for me it was pure and perfect fascination I am grateful for – I do not need a girlfriend now because I realized so good person like Avril Lavigne before whose whole work of her life, whole attitude, values revealed to be a person especially good to men and I valued her always for this – women are cruel as a rule and 99% cannot reflect most of feelings of a man but this girl was feeling men like herself and it impressed me, impresses me and will impress me till the end of my life and thanks to her I am sure other 99% should end in a gas chamber) and many shades of experiences of this kind. But in my life a lot what I discovered to be really true to me came directly from the way she used to see things and sharing it all ways she used to express.
About to fall in love with someone. Even not for scientists but for well educated or just self conscious people it should be obvious that men fall in love with faces. And it happens thousands of direct or indirect ways. In my case among the most intense experiences is to encounter someone in really specific situation. And I am not extraordinary with this. Sooner or later it happens to everyone. Everyone. When you take just a first book about social psychology you encounter like Aronson’s Social Psychology you will read when it is most likely to fall in love with someone else. It used to be that psychologists experimented on people before they entered suspension bridge. General physiological reaction before someone is going to „enter” such a situation and arousal of nervous system and general nervous response is far much greater than in other situation and what researches revealed people more often fell in love, valued as highly attractive other people short before expected experience inducing arousal, during this or just after in general compared to controlled group when nothing of this kind happened. And this is one circumstance that changes that situation. When we add that it was on 11 of September in 11th anniversary of WTC attacks and at the airport in the city where this horrible event happened. When we add sense of isolation at the airport. Waiting till midnight at the end of airport at almost last gate in that area where you see only planes and just the end of waiting room where all the long corridors end. And you are just about the stress of take off for transatlantic journey by air after really long travel far from your home. And suddenly you see someone that you know but all what you know seems to be really abstract and irrational when you realize you in fact did not ever see this person for real but seems to be so real in what we knew anyway. And taking into account being just a sensitive person, experiencing far more than normally people can describe with a regular language. That dictionaries do not cover all the vocabulary for language of mind of all what you can experience in life as your totally subjective subtle experience. And it can experience all this in one moment of stress, you can experience a lot. And experience mixed feelings and its consequences on your emotional health. You may be overload due to this. And like any other condition with excessive emotional load when not resolved may come back to you in a form of regular trauma threatening your immune system and other systems and all that enables you to feel, breathe, form beliefs about situation you experience.
And now taking into account just Bayesian rule of reasoning and inference all of us more or less use in many life situations when we reason sometimes adding a bit of probability to our scenarios or conclusions or whatever we can attribute some probability etc. and then modify taking into account new information. And today I have to say I not only had to modify my cognitive probabilistic representation of what really happened and was responsible for what I was feeling after that but also reaction of that person herself that a few times direct or indirect way revealed to subject to a process of being somehow attracted to me or really close to my thoughts. Sometimes it was really hard to assess what it was. And all „blurnesses” I also held in my memory as not resolved issues. It is challenging experience. Because it would be a great lie to say we do not subject to some general hyperconsciousness, all of us. Some of us better and some of us worse. But generally everyone may have better access into many things that we simply share in the world like ideas, general emotions that spread across the world etc. And obviously many times happen situation we can admit or not. That they happen. But happen that direct or indirect way we can get inspired. Swap inspiration. Or wow! Even fall in love by accident. It happens sometimes. I had 4 situation at the airport in London in 2015. 4 different under 4 different circumstances and I remember all very well. And sometimes people we just see for a while and we totally do not know anything about them may left you with a feeling of sadness for years that nothing happened or something wrong happened or whatever or something. But in this case nothing of this kind happened. To be honest. I remember hundreds of situations from my life much better. I mean similar situation. This was rather unreal to me. Seemed to be kind of unreal and out of my reach. Far beyond my superpowers.
And another thing. And beware. Do not connect dots! This what I am going to write now has nothing in common with what I wrote in a text just before. Indirect way I befriended that person when the world did not present itself the way we know today. Like through the mechanisms how opinions etc. even most stupid laughter spread through Facebook. A specific platform of times we live in but it used to be differently different time. Even Facebook itself was sometimes more intense platform of social exchange and other time not too much represented as a problem solving tool generally for inter-human communication. I will not mention terms like „interracial communication” or alien-human encounters. I know that I am not an alien to that person much longer than since 2012. What’s more. When I established my profile on different platform than Facebook in the era when there was really competition and exchange between social media some social media completed one another for being different media for different people, different purposes etc. And it was time other social medium was a point I started to function in that space as an artist, I presented myself this way what was true. I was very creative then musically however I did not reveal too much about myself in any space in the Internet. I perceived it as a waste of time, energy and creativity and loss of my ideas and I am not a Santa Claus. And that person was one of the first that accepted my friendship. And her friend too. All the problem that has happened was FACEBOOK. On MySpace we were always just connected. And I was feeling positive vibes coming from her not only what I was realizing just about as a person but generally I realized positive reaction to me. And I was not delusional of any kind no matter positive or negative about it that time. I am a complex personality according to standardized Meyer-Briggs classification confirmed in many personality tests virtual, paper during psychology differences classes during psychology studies as INFJ. After a few years also working as a scientist my intuition changed a bit, my thinking has been strengthened, I became a bit more introverted and engagement in science generally made me I lost connection with many people that normally in different time also in times of a Facebook people called friends. And due to science I lost almost all my sense of being musically inspired! That period was disastrous to my musical creativity, sense of happiness, to my emotional freedom, accidentally pushed me into the arms of toxic relationships and when even my very intimate relationships started to become toxic I was seriously scared. It was loss of everything for me – ideas, inspirations, intimacy, insight. I realized that this is toxic world totally not of my kind and destructive to my personality. For me term friends is complex thing. My representation of relationships is very subtle and totally does not reflect how eg. Facebook is organized. And getting back to MBTI also I became more clear about my perceptions so being delusional after double major in social sciences – I am sorry! It is wrong address with such suspicions against me! Even encountering love of my life that I did not know it will be a love of my life would not permanently change the way how subtly I classify and organize subtle things of the area called commonly „relationships”. I may experience so temporary difficulties like everyone being in an unclear situation. But my inner peace and self knowledge usually as time goes by helps me to organize what to think as any situation evolves. Not every „situation” means a relationship immediately! But in this case it may be kind of. And what I realize now gives me more light in how I was received by her intuitively much earlier than I encountered her I still want to think that by accident. Please let me just think this way. And do not ruin my defenses about how world works and what is possible. I have also creativity but not to the degree of fucking into someone else life. However CIA ordered this spring for a special occasion specially designed pottery in Bolesławiec. And I want to say to those who represent CIA and may „by accident” read only sometimes what I write: „I do not trust you”. I would never trust anyone who I did not ever see, who has no name to me and may seem to be as having no personality. It is much better to have a complex personality hard to explain but after year of blogging being almost close to 68% of total universe explanation than being totally devoid of character and be entitled to arrange „special operations”.
I can say the year 2012 was for me:
- diabetics of my cat,
- being declared to marry a girl I was with since 2003,
- feeling full in relationships,
- feeling reluctant to new relationships what I revealed especially to girls I studied clinical psychology and maybe they were much empath about me but did not respect my need for emotional distance, were annoying me repeatedly, disturbing me and achieved a goal of my emotional confusion and personality decompensation! Making me potentially prone to fuck up someone else same way due to the load of negativity in being fucked up by someone else – highlight it in red when you print it and know this as a major rule of trauma psychology forever! World’s going mad and I expect such phenomena happen more and more often and being a rule of life of our wonderful future in the world shaped by big tech companies and their virtual gains on such accidents. According to my experiences about 90% of psychology students did not have too much luck in life. May present extremely deep knowledge and wonderful personality. With the only exception that did not have too much luck no matter – at home, in relationships like love or friendship. And that’s it! Unfortunately in this situation I was never even given an opportunity to influence feelings of her. And it was generally stressful evening. I was so full of emotions and experiences after so long travel, evening in opera etc. I started to feel an emotional wound or loss or whatever you call this after. I might be too tired to fall in love then at the airport. Because love is really energy consuming experience. I had many of this kind after. Autumn 2012 was so crazy for me and confusing and full of dramas of all kind. But not that evening at the airport. I am not a James Blunt. Personally I never wrote even about one really emotional moment from that autumn. Such memories are too intimate and valuable to me personally but also ensured me that my marriage was not a good idea. And it happens. It is not the end of the world. But generally my autumn experiences are so deep that I would never exhibit it on my blog and never reveal even when paid big money for writing a book or whatever. No. This is not me.
- last time I was feeling something really intense about a girl I write now about so indirect way was something close the spring 2011 but she could be close to my heart as being always like this to me and it was not necessary to me to being reflected with this. It was never my goal. Completely not my story to chase on someone else. And some remarks I experienced sometimes that I chased her dreams also totally mistaken. For me as an introvert really so many moments in my life ensured me in what I like how to be that I know not only my limits. I know simply that I dislike crowds. What isn’t in a conflict that I may love someone like this. And even if fall in love who said that for this? With her there are thousands of reasons but particularly not this. This is rather something that deprives me of my emotional comfort as a person judged in my life easily and often without justification. Maybe we are mostly different only at this point. And if there is some attractiveness maybe this is something that being similar we may surprise each other when revealing totally different difficulties or maybe even disabilities. This is simply mine. I am not good with crowds. I often fear people. So to love crowds is just another stupid projection and accusation that ensured me how much time I wasted on Facebook seeing creativity of so many lonely people who started to chase on me and test my patience and inner peace.
- 2012 was generally the year I celebrated that my cat was getting better after getting worse due to diabetics and was a time of celebrating my marriage. Marriage due to reason :D. Because of being long term relationship but to be honest rather to be described as a friendship. Even in autumn 2012 our feelings between me and my wife then were relatively cool. If I fell in love with just someone it would be hard for me but not my wife. For me due to maybe a bit of guilt being with her since she was 14 and a bit of comfort and need for changes and challenge. But she never had a problem with this. Even as a wife! It would not be. We both were never sure if our marriage was a good idea for us. Natalia even once wrote a Master Thesis about being with each other due to existential anxieties and need for emotional security. About crawling toxicity of such a relationship. And potential to burn out both who are engaged and fear to follow own dreams, own chemistry, own purposes, and vibes and all what particularly every such a single person drives and makes feeling alive. But there was a marriage and relationship from formal point of view was serious what we discovered to be very much comfortable for us! We were best friends then no matter that married. And we were lovers at least for 7 year! Till 2010 for sure. I once told her even that we were so long with each other in a relationship that it is better to call her my ex wife than being for so long to tell ex girlfriend. Ex girlfriend? WTF? Who cares? But I wanted that other people cared about how much she was meaning in my life for really so long. As a girlfriend, partner and a friend. But the fact she was finally not a love of my life or we no longer loved each other maybe even in 2010 it was no longer like what love is about. Surprisingly to love someone I fell in love with even earlier doesn’t it sound even worse?? I know who was love of my life. But no matter how much it makes me scared I know that it is not first love or first year since I realized someone to be love of my life. Complicated. But only in some considerations and definitions. I have no doubts who I will love till the end of my life. And it is not a reason to smile or for blogging. Love is serious thing. Because you know that world will change, people will come and go. And when you love someone so you know that when it will be getting worse you will still love. I did not have doubts about such things but only in really exceptional cases. And I hope I will never lose the reason to love someone I really loved for long time. And if I made a mistake, married a wrong person. It does not deny the fact that still was feeling everything but it was simply harder. And I am not eager to engage easily. This is what completely changed in my life. I did not lose the ability to love. I lost my faith in relationships. Are no longer what I known and I will be sick until next great world tech revolution. I hope people will be less perverted or China will drop 1000 nuclear bombs and only Taoist temples will remain one day.
Telling that I love her was never a secret for me what is another reason for being not delusional because usually when we realize our feelings and do not hide them we are least likely to be accused, ashamed, suspected or put into any kind of emotional discomfort that could settle us in a position of being a bit too much paranoid, suspicious or even delusional. I can love even Mother Theresa after death and it is rather noble act of necrophilia mixed with a dose of hagiography than threatening my reputation and to be disrespected for this. I was writing also scientific considerations about such things and a very good theory is paranoid social cognition theory that explains difficulties of some of us. Just difficulties. It does not mean they may be mentally ill or „retarded” somehow. Some of conditions in such a state are hypervigilance, wrong attributions or beliefs about hostility of someone else. Some discomfort we can feel in contact with paranoid person we may attribute to traumas of them or some personality disorders like narcissts or borderline use some similar mechanisms to control other people like projective identification. I described some mechanisms in most uncomfortable relationships from my life also on my blog. As an analysis, prevention of being fucked up again by them, mislead by them, to avoid a situation they may mislead other people about me having limited knowledge about me (perfect in this was one girl from Dęblin so far and she is the winner of the title of master of projective identification what can be summarized – „all the negativity even in an apparent contact between us that happens is your shit not mine” – last person from my past to feel comfortable with so far).
Last thing, a fortuneteller that struck me with her intuition told me something really important that it is as much likely that love of my life is someone I know somehow well who reminds me someone else or it may be someone completely new that I did not ever meet. And one will be like a wine and another like a champagne (she emphasized that cannot precise if that like a wine was I known or the other one, just one will be like a wine and another like a champagne). And I will be given a choice anyway. But it will not be difficult for me to choose. And she said this in April previous spring. So in 2017. She is a strange person. However known for intuition. And I talked with such a person due to curiosity and only once in my lifetime and it was a very interesting experience! I thought sometimes as if she was joking or knew me before. But I do not think so. She has really a gift is rather busy person not having even time for chasing other people that I do not understand even as a psychologist with all my disciplined thoughts about human mind and emotions. But for me it is not an entertainment to refer to parapsychology. I simply believe in highly intuitive people no matter educated or not.
Thanks to all of you for your attention and do not get discouraged with what my blog may turn to!
Btw. Oh, what a discovery!
My thumb is uncommon and it induced laughter sometimes. But mine was always like that and I also can laugh and mock everything like no one else about being someone else than me. And now I need less time to recover because laughter is a form of an effort. And an effort is just something we need to get used to like to everything but only real effort can make us disciplined and fit. I hope to lose weight this way one day. And I am sure scientists can only dream about having so much physical activity like me! 50% of my hand visible on this photo is now scratched by Gumisia. And I have also very deep wounds after activity of cats. One on my arm may look as if I had suicide attempts by cutting veins. Not of this kind. I am sorry. I once tried to jump from water dam. But it was about 20 years ago and after that I did not have self destructive impulses. I think we need to experience one shock of every possible kind in moderate degree to unlearn autodestructive behavior. I experienced numerous electrical shocks in my life and other life threatening experiences and I think many of such experiences changed my sense of limits and formed reasoned anxieties. But the threat is sometimes eg. flow experience when I go beyond my limits in something and excitement drives me but limits from rational point of view should be explored reasonably. Not everything we can turn back. The best example is decompression sickness.
I never knew why but racoon’s hands a few times could simply reach my heart without any exceptional effort. I do not know whose idea if of anyone was to make it possible I accidentally encounter such a person that cross my way and everything after that is never the same. This is unfair there are people who steal your heart and instead of to remain not only by your side but simply in your life they continue to their pride. For me hundred times more important would be to spend with such a person much of the time of my life to feel satisfied and what? Reality often is different! Shame on you from the first moment you knew what is going on! From the first thought you realized that it is in fact your role, your initiative to get closer, that this was what you wanted. To be honest. If it was you could just take it without exceptional drama with the only consequence of my heart attack. Because my feeling to you sometimes I could easily mistake with such a health condition.
She is too young for the full set of vaccinations. My sister wants Kropek and Rakija (Terka) do not come home even during cold night. She will stay wild probably. I no longer recognize her. And she treats me like a shadow. But I will feel best to have an opportunity to travel with Gumisia all the time. Every time I need to give her to my friend 13 years old cat sitter no matter she is a very responsible girl this is a stress for me because Gumisia does not develop relationship with other humans than me. And about travel by air. One vet from Bolesławiec in fact moved to Canada. He had a few cats. His beloved one Santek destroyed thick plastic box for transportation during journey to the airport. And no matter the pain of the owner who moved to Canada forever Santek stayed forever in Poland and lives in my sister’s house and garden. There was also Persian Kitty who was too old to travel and she died within a year after her owner was missing. And died from cancer. Pets are not toys. And no matter all the fun and joy they bring to our lives we are responsible for them. Like I now cannot imagine my life without Gumisia. And I see that she developed safe bond with me that she searches for my presence in her life all the time. And I am responsible for her. And wait for her being fully prepared for travel everywhere. I will never forget how looked Szaruś once left in Bemowo in pet’s hospital in a box for ill pets. I left him for one afternoon and night. I woke up in the middle of the night almost screaming and waiting till dawn. And traveled through whole Warsaw what is not easy in winter to move during ordinary business day fast. And as I assumed. No matter his stress due to beginning of diabetics he did not recognize me after something like 12 hours. The similar experience for pets may be to travel by air. There are separate parts of passengers aircrafts with storage space for animals. For me thinking of Gumisia kept this way cannot go through my mind.
Bis jedes andere Jahr im Zukunft. Das is die offizielle Erklärung.