Miesiąc: grudzień 2018

I rarely come to Prague so early

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Escalator like in a computer game about miners. I liked Spelunker on Atari.

I was surprised by another pirate today in early morning. It is unfair that my defences and cognitive filtres work so bad when I did not sleep too much. I must b careful at airports.

I want to say to all the pirates. Pirates, no :(.

I am sorry, Kraken, it’s too late to date you in 2018. It’s cold outside anyway.

I like you the most into the wild.

Do not ever let this happen.

My sexuality is attacked by them almost every day. I fight with them the most in my thoughts. And this is extremely unfair. Whole these „situations” are embarrassing me and I do not find right words to express my attitude to it fully. I often need to resort to measures of different kind and use my creativity to avoid them. And they find me anyway. Another incarnations, variations and instances, objects of the same class of them. I recognize them, fear them. I want to avoid them and I realize that sometimes my thoughts are the greatest enemies to me. I often fight with myself.

You even cannot expect what can happen to you here. Do not buy a flat until you are sure many things about girls here. And you will never be sure when you do not try. And you need a lot of experience even to survive.

I initially thought that visit to Universal Studios may be interesting

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But I was excited that some things I liked from movies exist for real. I admit that a tear of sentiment came to my eyes when I saw this. I watched all of these movies from series – I think all 3 of them many times. I have a DVD. I have so many movies on DVD but if I had to limit my stuff I would never get rid of this movie. I have a sentiment to it. As My Girl or Bridge to Terabithia tell us something important about death, loss, about real things we cannot understand, accept, get over them. Such movies like this restore our fantasies almost effortlessly.

Be a singer

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  1. When you fall in love too easily to be someone else.
  2. When you can sing effortlessly.
  3. When you naturally feel and interpret reality from words, impressions, sensations, clues and traces, signs in the sky and on the earth. You need to be more immersed in experience than anyone else, more careful as an observer and feeling free to feel the moment. Thinkers have nothing to search for in music field or end up like psychotic atonal music composers missing definitely something fundamental in their perception, sense of appropriateness, proportion, balance etc.
  4. When you look the way other people will not look away. But being too attractive is also a disadvantage. People will rape you the way they just look at you and once you realize you have no control over this you may feel embarrassed, shamed, fucked up if are not a natural born bitch. Generally singers have to be admired for their voice, talent, interpretation skills, for their spirits, for what can include in their lyrics or sometimes in a short spoken metaphorical words can say about the world in general. Being too personal when talking to the public is another mistake of people who try to handle kind of popularity. But this is just another cup of tea. When someone rapes me in the public like Adam Glapiński from Narodowy Bank Polski refers in a form of his public actions to what reflects in a form of a caricature my personal life – a response he deserves is to treat him like a male slut to beat but first to make sure that police noticed this fact. Even if you do not believe people deserve to be punished, treated physically not decent way. There are some that will try to fuck into your life that you just start to think this way. I have also this way with women who did not listen once I tried to show them where are my psychological boundaries and they repeatedly ignored them trying to show me they check up my personal life issues they can spy off somehow, to be in contact with it by routine.

 

Generally when you are a private person – you deserve to maintain to be private person. When someone ignores this need all the time – there is something wrong with that person. Sometimes with reality or society you live in. Being a musician does not entail to become more public than you wish. These are only wishes and attempts to fuck you up of others who can repeatedly make you feel you need to move on to be seen in many more details. I react all the time. Some people never get tired of showing me that my distance or need for that means nothing to them.

They repeatedly try to make me sure somehow they keep observing me still. So it is you to increase it more and more. It is not what people often call that you withdraw. Withdrawal is a psychological problem when you withdraw as a rule. Not that you withdraw from interaction with particular people who do not see you through lens you expect them to see you. For example you need a distance like first to be listened to and respected not in terms of where is the truth or examined through your „true self” they need to investigate out first. No! To be respected this way means that you present your social mask particularly you have for particularly them. And  in such a situation they have to respect that exactly this is what you expect they hold about you not something they „investigate out”.

Only in cases of crime investigators, officials, judges who judge particularly you, doctors or mental health specialists you may be a bit forced to disclose more layers of your personality but to ordinary people to you or especially those who break your boundaries you need to set up special social mask.

And request to be regarded this way. What does it mean? They may have personal opinions even most hateful and not justified about you but as long as you maintain your neutral position or position especially of someone valuable or who earned some status – whatever you see as a source of your self-esteem – who are you told to be when told honestly and best about who you really are in terms of your social role – it comes sometimes from a group, education, job, passions, natural leadership status, other kinds of social status you earned as a person among other people – no matter that as Polish you did not earn this among Polish but for example among British people or other cases – the fact you have reasons to respect yourself is the reason to expect others to respect you. It does not mean they have to do you favors etc. Serve you, do something for you.

For example millions of Polish people do not understand term kindness. They laugh about it, piss off this as something strange to them. They have hearts and directly from their hearts may attribute one person to be an angel and do a witch-hunt to another who does not fit to their expectations about the norm of their behavior. But there are different cultures and different norms. Some require to fuck into other people’s heads and judge someone else thoughts like in post-communist Poland. Other cultures may even imprison you when you attempt to spy other people generally businesses too often. In Western countries people are judged in public places only for lack of apparent manners and basic respect they should have and these situations, circumstances are somehow limited and classified – mature people are usually well self-conscious about their potential social obligations in different situations and different places. And this is in Western cultures.

And back to main thought – such a person that you feel that may disrespect you – has no right to ignore your expectations. If for example expects you not to check up and investigate their private life – it is your obligation to respect this and not looking up and especially not investigate their issues on your own. Because you are being clearly not permitted to do this. This namely means you are excluded from their lives. What does it mean? Can you eat in the same restaurant? Yes. Can you meet by accident? Yes. Can you talk at their back? And here appears a problem. Intentionally? With an intention to disrespect that person, to harm? No. You have no right to do this to anyone especially to those who are not public people to you, do not have any social function that your life relies on their decisions – so as long as they are politically and legally neutral to you, indifferent and independent – you have no right to pay your attention to them overly. Especially when they do not want your attention and direct to you many times and many forms like I officially, formally and non-formally directed to Agnieszka Turek for example.

Sometimes I tried to discourage her not officially. Sometimes did exactly what she did to me. If she once commented on my looks, body shape, weight, hair – no matter in what form allusion, suggestion – whatever. When she even was thinking or spreading hate throwing to others not decent terms to describe me. I did the same 100 times in 100 forms. Because to revenge I am allowed to do this from psychological point of view. Everything you are surprised with, especially aggression, hostility, something sudden, not expected, not justified, cruel, hostile needs to meet with adequate response. We have right to it especially when your response is sudden and reactive this means refers to hot situation.

But some people are actors and can behave this way in exaggerated form and it is totally made up. They eg. expected something because they provoked somebody but they try to look like surprised. This manipulation trick is simple but often works. When someone else is not taken seriously when tries to prove to be provoked or manipulated. Then attention of the audience may direct to that surprise was real so the reason of surprise was your „pure aggression” not their provocation. Agnieszka Turek provoked me this way to prove other people that I feel something to her. Hopefully her goal was not the most hostile you can imagine but was offensive to me anyway. And dishonest. She tried to make me look like I feel something to her. To prove that she was for example right or invested feelings right. The truth is. Maybe a few times she could be right until she fucked me up for the first time. Since then even if I admired her and respected for many other reasons she would never find warmth in me because maybe the most sensitive from all reasons I am about this is just values like to be fair etc. I often lie, for me honesty is not a value for example. People are different. I cannot speak the truth all the time, to everyone. Sometimes unlucky among hostile people I have only lies of them. But when I lie I do not regard that this is dishonesty. I rather see that I do what other people expected and I chose lies because telling truth could cost me among hostile intentions of others. But by nature I am rather fair than honest. I see sometimes deeper through emotions what I cannot precisely name. But  I would more associate this with to be fair than honest. Being honest is empty.

Sometimes it is just being rude, not kind, when you try to emphasize that you do not respect someone. This way behaved for example Maria Szczepaniak. She is simply from moral point of view. I saw the moment in the past when she assumed that my self-esteem may rely on my intellectual powers more than values and tried to defeat me on intellectual ground. Unfortunately I was made feel that reasons were more of sexual kind not that to compete on that ground could prove her self-esteem in general. The way she tried to effect this not knowing me in my depth. How much longer I studied for example statistics. In fact she could not compete with me. But she did not know it. Did not realize it that it could cost her much more than she could invest her time and resources to have skills and see, and think and understand phenomena from quantitative point of view like me.

So she fucked up many situations to make me look like an idiot and her look like a genius and she was effective what speaks for total stupidity of SWPS stuff. But this was grounded in her sexual attitude to me. Since then even her Facebook likes look like as if she could command me, tell me what to do, where to go, where to work. Are crazy, manic, empty and just wow! Srsly? Such a person should not work in helping industry. How it is possible that she shows to the world her affection to me when ignored in fact millions of facts about me seeing them as useless. The answer is – hipomania. That her gift to read people through is more precise than their abilities to speak themselves. This is just another crazy person. She once told me honestly she fears to end in a mental hospital as a patient. Mario, it was very honest moment. I do not want to offend you, but there is a chance of it exactly of what you were seeing in yourself. I saw that craziness in you too. But fortunately that time you knew what you were talking about. Your fate depends on if you embrace your craziness developing rational side and social skills or craziness will eat you earlier never letting your rational side to develop. There is always chance for both if you do not reisist to crazyness and do not develop your rational side the correct way, not just through impressing other with your specific skills like statistics – this is just a gadget. This statistics. A tool. Like a vibrator. You use it to comfort yourself as you want to see yourself as genius. Or to impress others you want to make more obedient to fulfill your fantasies. And many are visibly of sexual origin. If  I felt disgust I could mock you. But I respected your sexuality but as you tried to fuck up my relationship with Natalia I will never forgive you this shit! As long it made sense it was not your business to fuck in between me and her. You lose your abilities to listen to other person by nature. You have them but you lose them easily as I do not know exactly – maybe you lose your attention too easily or switch on dreaming mode too fast or get bored too easily. I am not sure if this is your daydreaming, if this way you cope with stress, maybe you try to overspeed and impress too fast under some „affection” you hardly realize and differentiate some shades of that affect. You seem to look for someone to eat wholly, to consume like a true psycho. A term pervert does not fit. The only word for you whole attitude is that you are a psycho balancing on the edge of rape – good that is so visible from the very beginning – many people will avoid you immediately you make them realize it really fast. Maybe you have epilepsy. It is not the case that you are ugly. But you are ginger by nature. This is a problem. Your character is a problem. If we were younger and I was free believe me you would not have to pay me for sex if you had any intention of this kind. If I liked your character one day probably it could end this way according to your wish for example. But your character was a barrier and if I can heal your wounded sexuality this way. Now. So I do this. But I do not like you as a person as what you try immediately to prove. I had such a cat for a few months and he ended outside in minus temperatures. Not because I did not like him. But because he was learning what I dislike to do it to influence me, to make me feeling weaker. Such behavior of people is regarded as a difficulty. This is often typical for mentally ill people to be honest. I know they defend themselves, they were hurt. It is not the case. But they cannot endlessly feel hurt generally. Not everyone has hurt them but particular people. To cure mental illness is to realize one day maybe for the first time that not all people are bad. And some emotions about emotional wounds are deep. You learn to realize what are those wounds and to see if other people have them too. Some do not have too many but it is not the reason to hurt them! Your chain of inference, the way you think is very short circuit. Maybe it was love. I am not an expert in how ginger people love. I felt this to be much differently than eg. me. Than I feel in such cases. The way you chose statistics to excel in does not position you better. It narrows your frame of mind and I see in it a form of an escape. Thinking is powerful. And for some reason you avoid it by nature or are told to avoid it. See by intuition but think rationally what situation is about. You cannot just seen, then recognize variables, form hypotheses, collect data and verify. It is too long gap between what you see and what you can think. People have to think, analyze, categorize even if are wrong. They just have to immediately to balance their information overload. You chose the opposite to gain your craziness imho. And when facts tell you something different than your fantasy do not feel immediately offended that this is against you. You made SWPS welcome to you and hostile to me. Be proud of it! It is your achievement. Somehow you may feel effective but you are immoral same time! A few years earlier it was different and by the end you won your status. You diminished me somehow but without intention from professors it would not be possible nor effective. You found similar vibes and waves. I did not. What does not make me worse than those people.

Most likely I have read and studied far more than you altogether and best is when you just distance and keep studying whatever than trying to judge me and tell what to do.

It is not your role to help me.

It is your complex that if you realize I do not need help you may realize same time that it was you who always needed it. But as I said you never listened, never saw who you talk to or who you judge. As a person, as a complexity, as a personality. Just pieces and scraps, sometimes in stress, sometimes after great achievements and sometimes feeling really under. But only scraps that were enough with your dots-connecting mind and nature that you categorized too much too fast. This may be a reason for your depression as for many I cater such reasons when started blogging. But all who judged me fast as if asked for this. And your fantasy is now all what you have. So good luck. This was probably what you wanted to achieve.

As I was depressed, neurologically ill, experiencing losses in 2014 and felt abused by such people that made use of my position to attribute me more hateful judgments I could not handle due to my poor resources then so my response after that is proportionally greater because anger that has been accumulated also in a form of thought over content, is in fact also a state of mind with a shadow of angry sentiment, mood – so this is not impulsive but I am also not a psychopath in such a case. My response is adequate but postponed due to how I felt earlier. But Maria will understand it 100 times faster and easier than Agnieszka anyway. So everything that kicked you out from your neutral state of being indifferent to someone else may require your response from psychological point of view. And every response may be justified if is a response to what was real. Even subtle but real. If something did not happen it is just a fantasy. Sometimes when some affairs between people end in a form of a crime etc. Police investigators have a challenge to collect facts and separate facts and emotions of a form of a real response to real situation from fantasies. Fantasies are usually different in emotional characteristics. Elisabeth Loftus devoted a lot of her research devoted to false memories about abuses etc. That in fact were driven by emptiness, need for gaining attention of others, getting their acceptance than to reveal real burdens and hurts. Everything that was made up on someone’s own will be more empty, uncertain, derived from the reality. A person may feel sad but that sadness will be more empty than when someone else made that person sad. When someone expected something to happen and it did not happen and is sad that sadness is more superficial than sadness after being really hurt by real actions or statements of someone else. There is simply lack of depth that could only come from real experience, real immersion in emotions that their original load, trace is always not common, does not repeat. Is a watermark of real situation that was unique like there are no two same situations. I remember all situations with Agnieszka that entailed more emotions really precisely. But I always tried to tell her that she was just a shade in my whole affect – because I had a huge problem to adapt to class, teachers, I traveled with my parents a lot, my grandmother died, I had to get up every day too early to go to school in Puławy and had my first girlfriend – first serious girlfriend in life and she was Monika not Agnieszka. What probably hurts Agnieszka the most and all the problem in how I feel her anger is somewhere here or in-between such facts about me that time. And I cannot understand it. Why someone else cannot forgive me my choices, choices of my heart as if I was a slave of someone else. That time I loved Monika so much that she was the 100% only person that I could accept almost all even most pervert behavior. It might be a fault from point of view why I broke with her. But then was the only Monika who exclusively made me feel so much and Agnieszka was someone I talked sometimes but regarded as shy. Once it changed for good and then I realized that behavior of Agnieszka becomes too tough. That she tries to engage me when I am sure that to engage with her would end with to break my loyalty to Monika and as I felt fulfilled with Monika behavior of Agnieszka was hostile and I did not analyze it almost till 2014. Sorry Agnieszka, but this is true. I was feeling something sometimes to you till 2004 even when did not see you for 2 years. Sometimes. But when I came back to school in Puławy I realized that you are no longer the same person. You tried to fix something. But we never broke. You just gone too many steps forward when maybe it could be hard to admit and scary maybe we rather should have date even once. Maybe when I was with Monika and not to make me deny my relationship. But to let you talk to me. As long as your affect was pure maybe then it was the best idea ever to let you talk and maybe a bit know me. But now you live a made up story about me driven by jealousy about my relationships, regret and hate and I will not fix it because I did not break something. I could be only just a bit more sensitive than I was and maybe it would trigger a different process better for how you could feel. But it could be also worse. The best is to admit that a lot what you did you did due to sense of emptiness but not rooted in my attitude to you but in what was generally missing to you even in the year 2000. I do not know anything about you. I am not sure even basic things like where do you exactly live in Dęblin, who are your parents. About your family I remember from 2000 that you had an older brother. I did not develop my knowledge about you because my feelings about you changed many times. Sometimes you tried to make me feel this or that too much. Tried to manipulate me and I categorized you as a person who will always try to influence me too much and to know you better could tangle me into your net what you wished but I never finally wished it myself. A week ago I talked with a girl from Turkey for 2 days. And told her that maybe one of my first friends was Amal from Turkey but also knew another „Turkey” who shitted my life a bit. So I have no reason to love or to hate any other person from Turkey immediately. They are so much different! I can unfortunately say that I had an opportunity to refer to fantasies of Agnieszka that I have just read from her mind some time ago and realize that are not true. That a lot that she imagines she imagined exclusively on her own. It may hurt her too. But I have no access to this because it happened only in her fantasy. It is hard to relate to such person and she did not respond to me when being given such an opportunity so she chose to continue as a schizoid person who prefer her delusional explanations and causal chains of what happened and what did not more than confrontation that could irreversibly take back from her convictions about my feelings she changed from real to fantastic in her delusions, about my attitudes, plans, goals. So this is a psychopathology. People who stay in contact with someone else have thousands of opportunities to verify their beliefs. People who feel hurt when it is hard to say even if they were hurt in their imagination or in the reality and continue to feel this way avoiding confrontation enter different path of life. Delusional. And go through life when stick to made up interpretations and opinions about facts to comfort themselves, their self-esteem etc. When she tried to attribute me functions, powers, thoughts, influences or whatever to make me look somehow to misinform other people – I reported it, commented a lot – formally and non-formally. Now if such a person will continue to break my boundaries may expect legal actions because was clearly told hundreds of way that are not welcome in my life so may appear in my life by non-controllable accident but is not allowed to enter my issues, my life in any planned, controlled form. The best for such a person is to concentrate on those who let her concentrate on them. Because to continue to concentrate on me can have now legal consequences. She did not listen to me, did not reply to SMSes. Did not confirm or not whether she understood that I am not a person she tried to make me look in the eyes of other people. And did it intentionally when I was becoming to have some public functions so her actions were directed also towards to misinform the public. A very dangerous form of social predatory behavior when you try to benefit on someone else fewer degrees of freedom in terms of public mask, choices etc. for your own benefit. To fight against it I had to resign from many functions and increase a lot of distance and will have to do many more things further if it will not be effective to make such a person respect me. About what may happen by accident. In specific situations it is just spontaneous. Like something accidentally happened so you comment on situation. But when someone else just stuck in your head and you are thinking about that person for a long time and cannot distance, differentiate their behavior depending on situations. Cannot realize just „it’s their life, I may not know everything about them, so it is best to let them live their own life and do not try to figure out too much about themselves”. Then you have a problem. And there is a slight difference between situation when you have a problem and then that person in fact has more a problem with you than you have with that person. When such a person realize that you have problem with that person may feel upset with this and take some legal actions to distance you to their lives using legal measures. This is what law was created for. You just reclaim, regain your healthy distance. If you feel there is no room for this – nobody should be surprised that you become aggressive, hostile or even may threaten to someone else. Not being able to understand is not an excuse. Some people even die sometimes under hard to explain circumstances. But often those who realize psychological position of all people involved realize very often that there was some imbalance short before something horrible happened.