Let me introduce you

Tereza Kmochova – hot temper of the South, light coloured eyes of albino chameleon I fell in love with, full of passion but with old-fashioned criminal mind inspired by adults and movies. Someone always posing serious threat to me but also getting weak, vulnerable and childish around me. This is why Terka avoids physical contant and opportunity to see each other. I cause tears in her eyes every time I knew she sees me. Someone regretting the same way, so we both regretted we did not meet as teenagers. Cat-woman, someone never to underestimate. Better fear instad of undervalue her negativity she can be full of. Someone to learn to trust to, to respect unconditionally. To love carefully as she eats that feeling so fast as if it was something being addressed so many times to her wrongly, wrongfully, not honestly so her beauty is her tool for cruelty, deception, treachery, to make men burn from grief, regret, jealousy. Someone I felt well and depicted well but she was so much furious about that I seriously feel all that that she wanted to kill me. She would do all the bad and even kill someone but not me. If I was Ian Brady, she would be just the Myra Hindley. No investigator would even resolve if criminal mind was me or her. We attached for good and bad. Very dangerously. Something that socialization, culture always try to limit, impose safer relationships. We broke off from chains of structures of our realities to find this dangerous type of friendship. She did not impress me because she was good. Because she impressed me how to be bad many creative ways…

Someone who does not sense me proper way. Full of prejudices and jealousy but in this case love is what has got her this far.  She often feels worse, feels submissive, wanting to complement, give up and that without me something is permanently missing to her life, especially creative and emotional life that she appreciates the most but a bit old-fashioned way. To that destructive form of jealousy, emptiness and burn out due to missing someone else too much and trying to hide aways this.

We were playing hide and seek in Prague. Played intelligence games. Leaving each other messages in books in cafes, libraries. Puzzling with details in places we knew that other person will be. We impressed each other how good we can predict another person. Tereza was drunk how much fun can make me have, how much laughter to burst in me. It was time I thought never ever met someone like her having so much fun when trying to impress me, trick me, mislead me – to make me missing her more than ever. She was good in it. And being cruel by nature helped her to achieve this seductive goal. But roles swapped. And I had to admit myself that I got older. That causing pain, insecurity isn’t an entertainment for me. After 5 years she became more mature, more compassionate and able to trust but still is the questions if can be the best for me, the only. Secretly wants to see that Zuza can feel more matching to me. Terko, this is just an illusion. If you give up comparisons, challenging me sometimes. If you promise you stop mocking me. You will hug me like this man in Cross Club on 12th May. Do you know how disappointed I was that this was not me?? If you hug me as many times as you tested me, mocked, trialed, tricked, we can get back to talking seriosly.



Obok złomu inna fajna rzecz w tych stronach

Tu jest bardzo stary park i dużo sadzonek można wyciągnąć, których przygotowanie mi zajęło pół roku. W sensie w Puławach. Będę tu jeszcze parę razy, bo lubię miejsce. Z nikim mi się nie kojarzy, choć miałen sesję ślubną z b. żoną. Ale zaczynała przejawiać zachowania lesbijskie i już wtedy czułem się jak trofeum, rekwizyt do pokazania koleżankom. To nie jest normalne. Ja już wtedy byłem zdysocjowany i mi było wszystko jedno, czy jestem z osobą niedostępną emocjonalnie czy sam. Zawsze byłem na dobrą sprawę sam. 

Being Czech is usually being completely unique and different kind of person and it has nothing in common with popular belief of being or just feeling to be someone better etc.

In poor or just developing world like Poland to be different, think differently often means costs, expenses like people often associate expenses on luxury goods etc. They very often do not understand that being individual, own means being just a person. In Czech culture first you are the person. When I met Honza Paldus and Marty Opocensky in 2016 in Smrozovka and then we drove by two cars to Jablonec I met two 16 years old young men who were getting adult very fast but among their own friends they were socializing using personality features and descriptions of character. In Poland this is completely different. If you are a son of someone recognized so you are a son because Polish culture is family oriented. In Czech Republic it sounds and looks really stupid. People feel free to be different. Not obliged but obviously differentiate themselves from others very fast, and divergently. And then what you can have in common with other you can just call „passion”. Whatever it means. Or people have feebles, preferences like sexual preferences. But Czechs are very private. So hospitality is rare. And being serious or honest when there is lot of humour and mockery is very rare. You can encounter people like bitches, but the fact that girl may treat you like chance of single opportunity of quite good intake, income does not mean she reveals whatever to you. This is just the deal. The ultimately different situation is when you are their own, someone of their own kind. Or someone they treat good enough, true enough, similar enough to be regarded as Czech or almost Czech or personal relative. Not family based but like a friend, like a choice. And finally love issues are the most difficult. Attempts, tiptoeing to someone else, looking up, spying, chasing is more complicated. Maybe this is why me and Tereza dance like wounded souls for 5 years and people see no apparent results. But in the reality we got really much closer through this time but invisibly to others. Because personal relationships are very personal in this culture. And when so much is loutkove divadlo, so much is fake, trade, not fair trade but trade, so personal issues are sometimes difficult, hurting, sometimes are not what it seems to be. So to be regarded as someone like a childhood friend. It is really much honor. And if any person in Poland thinks I gave up of this person due to sentiment to someone in Poland. You are mistaken. NO. These are different issues and lead us to different results. Tereza is someone that may be bitchy to one person, greedy to another, can fuck up third person and show love and attachment to the fourth. 5 years ago i was someone far to her heart apparently, to make me feel this way because I was someone from her imagination, not confroted in the reality and reality created unexpected for her trust issue that finally she overcame but Agnieszka T. tried to exploit this as her weakness – because this is someone from my life like a threat, enemy or something like that. But Tereza finally recognized in closer opportunity to experience with her skin what is really what and after some time when wanted to be someone closer. It was her. Her personal issues then. Needs to be closer but in practice I experienced it differently in May. And she did it intentionally. And probably this is how women atw generally are. But now after years she insists to make sure that gave herself and to me the chance to be for me the first and make me sure I am for her. And what? Do you think that I can make it that we never met, it never happened? Because what? I can be effectively terrorized by no matter who in Poland? It does not work like this. I warned you, Polish people, you chose wrong person to see, regard as your trust person, leader etc. I tried to explain it to you… As it turned out close person to my heart from my childhood understands this that even if detach from someone that finally even if it seems to be isn’t really so close to her heart like me. It does not mean she has worse category or is wrong because I did not leave someone to make her the only. Catholics think this way. This way of thinking is hurting. Not hurting is to avoid catholicking. And be honest to own heart first. Look. Tereza sees how my feelings change every day. Some day it was Nea, some day it was someone from my distant childhood. Distant, always someone at some distance but maybe because of shaming little childhood too strong affection to admit it when we were childs. So now we no longer are. And it did not change. So probably her love choices, maybe some mine but some not were wrong. But those mine that weren’t wrong she did not question! I want to make all of you sure she knows what she is doing. She needs to be true to her heart. And respects every single feeling that is true in my life. This is really great as this is not about to „make love”. To start some game, process to conquer my heart. She is just peaceful and waiting person from my past that I realized all about so late and this process eats me a bit and takes time but does not deny those who appeared in 2016, and insisted to stay. Because maybe knew that will want to even 4 years earlier. Becasue they had a chance to realize this when I could fully understand them even some time afer we really met.