I was not too much concerned about acoustics that time. I knew this is not my final destination of all my recording gear. And it was just my intuition. I always liked to be in a transition, I liked what was temporary for me. Generally movement is what drives me and this is a feature I have like my father. We are from the same clay about the role of movement, dance, singing etc. But my mother was also a musician when being young.
I was always passionate about Buddhist philosophy where emphasis is put on creation and destruction and that all those forces must be balanced. People often attribute such ideas to Taoism what is a bit wrong. I think it is not a clue of that intellectual movement. Buddhism’s general message is that „do not stick to anything, everything is temporary, everything dies one day, everything changes and is in movement and we cannot turn back what became past”. Buddhism pays attention to how we bind in general and how make connections and sometimes connections lead to addiction. And addiction leads to obsessions. And this is what makes us suffering. I finished course within one semester about Buddhism Theravada during psychology studies what completed my knowledge I was gathering most intense since 2005.
One day I will completely destroy this blog and I also see this as a natural movement in my own life.
I often realized that to spend so much time on education really pays. And finally I settled my recording studio in Szklarska Poręba that fulfilled my dream and search for peace, for inspiration and I am sure this is a place I belong to by my roots, by my mixed identity and due to where my intense inspirations lead me to.
But it was time I was very creative since I bought synth RS-70 in 2005 my creativity accelerated about general music theory and musicianship. My ex girlfriend attended music school and I did not. She has spent a few years during formal education in it and helped me to start with my music theory. But further I impressed her so many times about my music creativity that I discouraged her with my potential and overwhelmed and she discontinued her musical development but she did not blame me. She just did not want to. Maybe due to being forced at home to play too much, to rehearsals to give „little” shows at school and to her family. Finally she hated piano due to this. For me it was differently. I was feeling alive in my studio in Ryki spending more time than my other duties allowed me. And it was time I started to realize my split personality.
In Warsaw I had a big library and was very highly organized and attended since 2006 two universities! A very challenging experience from my life. Time will reveal whether it was good for me, my personality or I paid for this period too much!
In studio everything was in total mess and creativity was very high. I wrote a few songs, and since my first synthesizer my creativity no longer limited to guitar compositions. I play the guitar since I was 10 or something. It is no problem for me to play the guitar. But my first attempts to play piano were in Malvern Wells in 2000 where in one ballroom was totally free to use piano. And as I was lend guitar and amp by my teacher I also walked to that place to play piano as well. And it was I think first time I felt free to be creative on piano.
I do not know why but for some maybe cultural reasons I never established good communication with my music teachers from Ryki. We were broadcasting on totally different waves. Our vibes differed and it was also a reason I started to question my identity very early. My sister also did not wanted eg. to dance in traditional Polish dance group. It was a pride for young people. But our family was in fact a bit distanced due to being in fact multicultural. We share in our family passions to travel, to meeting people from different orders and to see the world form different perspective I think. This was very normal however world around my family was sometimes hostile due to really too fast judgments, some creative but extremely local due to extremely local identity and not references to other possible worlds, surroundings people have ready made psychological analyzes of every single person from my family and it only impresses me very much!
But the year 2005 brought to me an opportunity to burst my creativity and really fast growth in skills in piano. Music theory was never my problem. I had whole Primary School a subject 'music'. But everything is about self-discipline. And for me to learn something more difficult I realized so many digital programs are much better to learn so I know many for the guitar and for piano. I like eg. Synthesia for piano but not for so long time. Generally I can play everything just without notes. All songs I hear so loud in my head sometimes and I can select some parts of them, focus on what I want and add some creativity. Since I work with DAW programs like my first was Cubase VST and just after that first extremely expensive for me that time Cubase SX I started to develop so many mind skills how to use my imagination for music composition that this is simply hard to explain. It just comes. When I am not emotionally fucked up or broken it comes directly from my heart.
My relationship with my ex girlfriend Natalia turned from on a basis of music to be based on psychological education that we started same time no matter the fact she was 3 years younger. For me it was a second major degree after economics. But she chose social psychology and I clinical psychology. Music not longer was a strong bind for us and our different psychology specializations lead both of us towards the arms of totally different people and influences. No matter both being educated in apparently same field we stopped to understand each other one day and lost our connection. Our feelings from first years of relationship became just memories, sentiment, we experienced many times boredom about each other due to differences in temper. She is an extroverted person. She developed into it I think. Me introverted by nature and outgoing extrovert or ambivert sometimes. My humor and mockery is the sign for lack of fitness to a situation and usually is not a good sign for any relationship in terms of whether it can be really continued. I am sensitive, deep in how I can feel sometimes and I am fulfilled only as an introvert. I am extremely serious about relationships and when I am perceived as a comedian this means – Beware. Nothing good is going to happen. Or I am manipulated, deprived of my true voice, of what I have really important to say so my expression also changes. And it is only the matter of how much I care and what part of my creativity resources I want to spend on some battles with usually like nowadays very often perverted people – so with cruel intentions, devoid of empathy, focused on their own known goals, using subtle feelings only as a tool etc. I am not a fan of Facebook and other social media. I am the greatest fan of my own company generally what makes relationship with 99% percent of girls impossible for me no matter that I am heterosexual. If Natalia was not in her true nature an introvert we would not also establish any relationship. But we did successfully. No matter that many friends of me were very jealous, disappointed and critical what differed us for years. Our views, values, opinions etc. But sometimes I engage and this is exactly what SHOULD HAPPEN.
And one day in autumn 2012 I have heard this song the way I did not ever before. What came to me helped me to realize that now it is time to destroy something:
One professor in the field of logic in Warsaw School of Economics about the year 2005 once described it as „stairs intelligence„. We see a beautiful girl and just continue. We go further and then being on stairs to eg. another floor we realize. Oh, fuck! She was so beautiful. Why I did not do anything? And this is stairs intelligence. We have to swallow sometimes. An aftermath of this weakness or even disability.