What I did not see underwater

What scuba diving can teach us about schizophrenia?


I believe that this article will be short however concerns a very huge topic from a perspective rarely used to see particularly phenomena of this kind.

As I am sitting now in a room where I prepared for an exam for driving licence for the first time in Siedlce in September 2003 and then 13 years later in May 2016 (exam passed in Łomża) i still see clearly some unpredictability factor of accident or driving licence loss I encountered in my life. I counted that since 2003 I traveled the equator metaphorically so in terms of just the distance probably more than 8 times. And year 2014, 2015 and 2016 are to be classified as records. I do not remember well. Maybe it was 2015 that I did the greatest record if I really remember well because I traveled so much that cannot remind yet as my memory did not form and crystallized yet due to emotional factors that made me I needed such a driving as an antidepressant activity. To causes I would like attribute mass accusations of rapists from my painful past like Agnieszka Turek example just to mention was the point. I could not attribute her even to a week in my life in terms of real relationship or positive influence on me but I am sure she and her follower Bartek Wręga always tried. And when I realized that I have such enemies to my inner peace, stream of consciousness and positive identity shaping factors in my life I was simply scared after years that such people exist and still form their identity on a basis of negation of me and denial of who I am, how I look, what I really did, what I was responsible for in my life and what not, what my real achievements used to be and what I can attribute myself due to efforts of other people etc. Simply haters and rapists. This is why I gave a shelter to a girl addicted to narcotics in the year 2017. I did not know this about her before. But I realized she has the same problem like eg. Agnieszka or other girl I encountered in my life before who treated me like just a background, environment she possess with her magical powers of attracting everything that is around. Simply schizophrenia experience. I study this phenomenon for long time so in need sometimes new material to my experiments and just an incentive to get used to, to face and challenge my own fears, overcome my nightmares. And I do not just need a sadist to torture me but I need rather such a confrontation to answer myself what fears are reasoned and what inflated by years of denial and escape from what traumatizes me the most in social contacts. That was not the first in my life and not the last encounter and that all awful mess such people remain in our souls. Schizophrenics are simply fuckers, fuckers and fuckers. To summarize simply what is the most significant about them. This means that they have no sense of boundaries of someone else, because do not represent other people in their minds in terms of trust based, developed healthy relationship and others represented in mind in a healthy and adequate relation between self and representation of other person (this is why clinical psychologist emphasize the problem of me and not me – and difficulties of some people to differentiate in terms of categories of thinking from experience of „me” and experience of „other” so called „not me”), other territories, limitations due to choices of others. Only rape as an attitude, state of mind. And an exponent of health from the point of view of ill person. An awful mockery and laughter of Agnieszka sometimes just stuck in my head for ages and after years I realized why I changed classes and schools so often. Simply being fucked to others does not mean being sensitive. She wasn’t for sure. Being able to recognize does not mean we are emotionally healthy. But being attributed to be attractive person is dangerous because it is exactly a condition that lies sometimes behind of psychotic personality development. For example convinced to be attractive and influential and raping other people by categorical thoughts and commandments due to wishful thinking. Unfortunately destructive influences of schizophrenics to my life result in decrease of my cognitive performance. Someone fucked into me,  into how I look, how I think, attempting to command me hundreds of times by suggestions is a traumatic experience to me and this is why I always dreamed to escape from land to different reality like oceans. To fuck to someone means for me when I as an empath identified with her or his perspective before I realized that this is extremely subjective and distorted by an illness, so this means I allow someone to influence my feelings when did not realize yet this to be hostile, aggressive, wishful but full of hateful wishes, objections to what I identify with, what I remember, what my beliefs are, how I see things etc. Generally healthy person is used to identify with others because this is why we remain a part of our environment however to preserve own stream of consciousness, own values, goal is 100% healthy but in collective cultures still very rare. Because normal worlds does not exist not to mention I it is not just sickly inflated in the Facebook era. Only suggestions of people why want to dominate other people. So under decompensation of a personality of being raped. Like me there happen many things like loss of willpower, sense of being stuck in repeating scenarios of being a victim of references, intrigues of people who wound just by referring to us.  And did not helped her thousands of sms messages from me, when I knew that she secretly hates me and only strive for a revenge, that I attempted to clarify her my emotions to help her identify her mistaken belief reflected for example in her mockery Facebook likes that obviously referred to me or other Facebook „stuff”. I was simply honest, fair not to say with a sense of grandiosity that I was generous because smses cost me. Psychiatrists often use a term „induced schizophrenia” and probably this was what I always experienced in contact with Agnieszka – completely different world to me, different attitudes to other people, completely not compatible with my value system and senses and perceptions. My brain does not function well in this case because as an introvert I had to face always a challenge to me – throughout my whole life probably millions of references of other people. What introveted by nature people never finally get used to. Never learn to tolerate such a load of incentives, impulses, signals of this kind. Psychology of individual differences research this problem and reveal same time that people who suffer from social information overload overperform on the other side in physical and intellectual fields of constant stimulation and when we focus on such incentives and differentiate them as introverts gives us the greatest opportunity to succeed in terms of how we can overcome our own perceptional limitations, intellectual or physical challenges all the time. This means that oversentitivity to social incentives developed in me to the extent of complete disability to recognize what signal means what. When it comes to my emotional development in my early years of life. And people overwhelmed me with their thoughts and emotions all the time. And Agnieszka Turek discovered probably during 1st year in Secondary School my weakness and simply learned to abuse me, to bomb me with rapist references after that. Indicator that she may be a sadist has been revealed very early. But she had also poor examples around. Teachers did not listen at all. And young adults in that schools were convinced that only authoritarian rules of teachers body are the only that exist. I think that Agnieszka acquired with her personality that hierarchy easily being from a city of military people. And having a rapist behaviors of people for breakfast. So when she first ignored that I said her that I have a girlfriend I realized that there is going to be a problem with this girl. And when I wanted to change my class after my grandmother died in December 2000 Bartek Wręga filled my shoes with high percentage salt acid as a revenge also to that I rejected Agnieszka. I see a relationship between him and her and that she inspired him all the time to do a harm to me every time when I am not careful about what she expects from me. So mentally ill girl but communicating like a dolphin. This is not the reason why I decided to discover underwater world. But I understood mentally ill, people who communicate but do not to speak at all very early in my life and to learn communication underwater and to learn how to understand underwater animals and how they „speak” and „hear” underwater was always obvious and I had always my mind wide open to alternative in possibilities about underwater beings relationships. I do many digressions in my story but I hope some of them will help to realize that I see life as not only a story to tell but a consciousness process of realizing facts, identities of my own origin and of others, influences of other people origin, how they try to dominate me and turn the reality to look that they are dominated by me. And I believe that sometimes to reveal some facts and very analytical interpretations can help to neutralize provocations, turning information to benefit of highly egoistically biased people. I simply cannot understand why during an individual development of a person there occur a need to challenge someone else. To corner that person, beat and prove to be better? What for? When you can choose in your life so many directions, fields? Why you want to fuck up just a particular field? When was creative now you neutralize to be less creative. When you create a potential problem or someone who not only can turn against you but may even kill you the most rational is to shape own stream of consciousness. Individually, separately to sense own sense of achievements. And probably some lessons from my life served me to train myself as a scuba diver to discover underwater world on my own and never thought about to become a freediver who simply discipline their blood circulation and lungs to withstand critical conditions to a body never realizing what life may be about when you challenge yourself and your own limitations not other people as references, bars and limits. For me it was always obvious that I choose something in life to satisfy my needs not to please or impress others. Because when you lose your inner drive you lose your power and this is what teachers often work on to make students more focused on their own (teacher’s) egotist personality, what actors and celebs do to attract audience a what is totally unfair, induce chaos to individualism of others but people are used to the standard existence of people of many roles, social masks not realizing that some are really scary, that some people like teachers, doctors, celebs pose greater threat to an integrity of an individual due to persuasive force of standards they refer to, suggestive social masks they put on. And this is just addiction to judgments of others and this is what Facebook industry and era has been established for to gather all the chicken and not let anyone to wander on its own. This is an ambition of a sick. And this is accusation that low-organized personality attribute often to highly-organized. Małgosia Ohme. A warm and supportive person but narcisstically lost same time sometimes attributed me motives much earlier I even realized to be of the kind of projective identification. Probably another person of this kind was dr Irena Kasperowicz-Ruka who also wanted to save the world just only to turn over attention of other people from own ashaming problems like childish reason eg. having doubts etc. Scientists have numbers of them and this makes them simply scientists! Canadian film Tusk is what projective identification is about. And this is also a film about a survival in wildlife. I do not want to make anyone scared about discovering of underwater world. And no fish or an underwater mammal will ever try to persuade you to be a Dugong. Communication for humans underwater is limited and you have limited set of signs and symbols and you have to use them wisely! You have no opportunity to deceive and when put yourself or someone else at risk you may have no more chance to fix a fault! Scuba diving is an experience for mature people and I do not believe that can make immature person bring closer to maturity. It is an experience that makes jokers and assholes serious and deceitful personalities limited in they monkey behavior. There is no such a thing like a Facebook community of a planet that under Agnieszka T. or Małgosia S. or O. suspicions will believe that in fact I am a joker. I did not chose to add my personal data to Facebook. When someone did it is their problem. I did not ask someone to reveal all truths and made up due to empty fields in memory about me. I never even asked such people to refer to me! What I always was passionate about was just beyond of the idea of such people because I simply did not need them to be happy. And I hate sadists. What does not mean that I am a sadist. Facebook era divided people into dogs, cats, horses, monkeys. Do I really want to add to classification of Facebook mammals dugongs and octopuses to be happy? I have no access to my Facebook account underwater and doubt if log in to Facebook account would help me if I did not look at manometer right time and realize too late that have no air too breath. The way our behavior is limited underwater helps to reconcentrate on what is really important in life to focus on. And attention, memory, emotional  deficits is what differ normal people from sick. And mental illness disqualifies from scuba diving.