Some considerations

Considerations I am not sure yet how to attribute them to what set of problems and threads but cover sometimes a range of problems of schizophrenia.

I will recall 4 different characters and some stories behind them to show how different people are, as much as different situations are. And sometimes there are even no situations but just a psychotic process of endlessly ignoring other person and proving to be better. And what dramatic consequences this may have to a person instantly judged or to a perpetrator of an intentional aggressive or simply psychotic unconscious behavior. But some stories are also to help to differentiate what an illness is and when it is not. Everything what is more situational is to be called normal but when someone cannot change this is to be investigated in terms of an illness.

1# Grzegorz Kołodko, former Finance Minister of Poland once stated „rzeczy dzieją się, ponieważ wiele rzeczy dzieje się na raz” (too much happens because a lot happens simultaneously). For me such an expression is an expression of a person who experienced a traumatic subjective experience or an event of being overstimulated. This is a typical belief or a statement of someone who suffers from an aftermath of a cognitive and emotional overload. Especially when events have not only informational meaning but carry some emotions within. Books of Grzegorz Kołodko are full of emotions, aesthetic impressions, he has a traveler’s nature and mosaic forming thinking processes. Simply an impressionist. According to MBTI classification this would be probably something between INFP and INFJ personality to be precise. People have numerous minds and usually are not comparable. So a person forced by a fate (due to for example: wrong ambition, weak self recognition, pressure of an environment or bad luck 🍀) to be responsible for synthesizing information, decision making when have a type of a brain that gets excited too easily, stimulated too easily and easily stimulated by emotional information is a bit lost in a challenge like requirements to make difficult decisions, to state objective opinions and use general thinking devoid of emotional content etc. And there is nothing wrong to be a judgmental and sensitive and emotional like INFJ like for example me but I know my own limits but my supervisors who tried to promote me and elect to service of too serious issues and decisions for me simply made a serious mistake about who to select and attribute some power. I know my limits. But other people under such circumstances are often not enough qualified to recognize people that have also a nervous system adequate to be leaders. And wrong person set or dressed in a wrong role just make a lot of mess and then can have a problem to refer and relate to own experience. Because such an experience is just an emotional overload! Did Grzegorz Kołodko suffer from schizophrenia? Most likely not. However he has a mind of an artist what can be easily seen in effects of his cognitive-emotional overload easily to be discovered in his mosaic-styled books. I remember one lecture of prof. G. Kołodko I attended. It was in C building of SGH. My mood was festive. It was just another afternoon or evening during my busy semester. I came to a lecture in that modern building I used to have also my own lectures that time. And a lecture hall was full of people – students, academics, businessman, journalists, officials and simply people who came directly from the street – to colloquially simplify the characteristic of an audience. I remember from the lecture many many things as if I unintentionally diagnosed someone who revealed thousands of cognitive difficulties that I know also from my own experience when experience a cognitive overload in emotionally overly stimulating situations! I think my impression was objective because I did not read books of prof. Kołodko before and this was first time I saw him live. I realized too much to simply sum up but racing thoughts, unexpected excitements, other time easily being stuck in a loop of own thoughts, avoiding to respond directly to questions, ignoring intentions of others – all that behavior was as if from one catalog I would call simply an overload. Prof. Kołodko simply has gone under a mode that a lecture that initially had to last for 2 hours has ended after 4 hours and by the occasion I experienced a person more to be of the kind like I am. For me as a yet quite young person it was an experience to be a bit sorry for. Due to 1) empathy 2) reflection to be like that on my own. So MBTI introversion was easy to see in just being as a person easily stimulated. Intuitive thinking can be easily recognized by statements that contain metaphors and summaries using thoughts referring to big things, big picture, general observations of general law to be seen and experienced in life, to more or less abstract theoretize about life but using sometimes emotional or vivid metaphors more than abstract, raw and cold-eyed theories. Such observations are „catchy” and easily agreeable. A lot of emotions that assist such statements are responsible for general feature of being more driven by emotions than thinking. And last feature is arguable. A scientist by the rule concentrates on facts, perceptions, abstract but verified relationships between scientific or real facts but someone who has to focus on eg. economic policy has to be judgmental. For example I am judgmental by nature but my passions for science and careful observation developed through life that my initially judgmental nature has changed into observer’s nature. So I was as if born as INFJ but during developing own passions and studying I changed into INFP a bit. I see G. Kołodko as a bit the opposite in such a process. He was INFJ as a scientist and minister and I have no idea how he was for example before studies at all but the more books he wrote the more happened probably to open up to more experience. Even if just only due to a need to write just another book. When we refer to a Jung’s basic theories that lie behind MBTI it can be easily seen that transformation of a personality is rather a natural process. I think I intuitively concentrated on his personality due to my but not only mine impression of being a bit similar. One professor from SGH has subtly suggested me some similarity but it was on a stage of my scientific development that was not to late too change my interests etc. And I am now grateful to that professor that realized easily my limits and his not offensive suggestions helped me to choose what was best for me that time. I simply realized how such challenges and a career devastated a personality of a highly sensitive person that G. Kołodko undoubtedly is. And this is why I devoted that time completely to introducing psychological threads to every part of considerations I faced and did not make up my mind to be seen more as an expert in economics. I was too full of psychological ideas to simply ignore myself as a psychologist and devote to sharp and raw abstract unbodied considerations. But I used to be sometimes also like those who are able to be more abstract all the time in terms of general social thinking.

2# An example from my defense of Master Thesis in SWPS. Did prof. Jerzy Trzebiński experience a difficulty to understand me? Certainly! He has a manner to be a superior to someone else but met someone of an ultimately greater knowledge and experience in terms of many situations he probably never faced. His attempts to judge me, my knowledge and organization of my thoughts in my thesis were not effective. He also revealed a difficulty to retrieve my right points of view and statements, ignored many parts of my theoretical considerations and referred to most irrelevant empirical parts of my thesis what revealed that he had a precised goal what to search for in my thesis and was dissatisfied when did not find what he was searching for in terms of his own assumptions and beliefs. And same time ignored my attempts to propose a completely new light to see my considerations within. Professor who focus on philosophical frames of psychology, more general and universal rules of thinking, who search for general framework for research should have paid more attention to my attempts to prepare right combination of theories to establish good background for hypotheses, conclusions that would not be conclusive when did not refer to broad enough theoretical background (difficult point but worth understanding!). Simply to infer, to conclude, to reason we need some assumptions, a basis, antecedents to further conclusions to be precise in terms of logical thinking. And when do not pay attention to gathering sufficient theoretical considerations sufficiently rooted in philosophy, other empirical studies, theories stemmed from empirical studies or some impressions or observations that could be conclusive due to some certainty like Husserl could say. Because some facts are easy to observe! And eVeRyoNe kNows this when a professor is still thinking if a dark matter of student’s considerations is true or false! Typical look of an intellectual who does not balance his functioning with real-life experience.  Only what he could spot was my exhaust but did he attribute right observation to a situation? Not. He did not remark that I look ill or exhausted. He did a remark to me, to my potential friends etc. He attempted to reorganize my life. Is this perverted behavior? For me exactly this is what untamed apes do instantly. Simply intriguing and „fucking” into other person’s life due to own beliefs, assumptions, prejudices and sense of superiority. Personalities of such people no matter scientists or whoever. For me are simply the worst. And maybe this is a personality to be called a personality of a schizophrenic. I did not have too much time to spend on my Master Thesis but every evidence I gathered I carefully examined in terms of statistical analysis. But in a review of a professor I was called to be with statistics „na bakier” what means less than beginner. This was just a purely offensive and in that review I found only offensive statements like also my theoretical consideration to be common sense generals (in Polish zdroworozsądkowe ogólniki). So just an example of typical Polish cowboy style ignorance of being fast judgmental with brilliant summaries to nail a coffin and clean up after someone and wash hands and done. My grandfather was a carpenter and almost whole his life produced coffins for Polish, during second world war even Germans used to buy coffins from him and he traded with Jews and was hired by a Jew before even first world war. So I know probably that devoid of any attitude in fact attitude to simply treat someone like just another business, another ash. This is a script in mind and kind of manipulation to frame someone in death – why not? When someone, an „abitur” has dark hair and skin of darker color than pure blonde white! Everyone would be surprised how much happens when you wake up daemons and communicate only on bad intentions level… And what’s more my theoretical considerations were probably to be jealous for. The fact that my thesis was not conclusive and hypotheses were not verified the way that hypothesis testing process could reveal new regularities was not a proof that I was mistaken generally, as a person, that my mindset was not developed to carry on right research platform. It was a proof that I did not find right model for my whole new view on post-traumatic growth process. I did not select points of unknown or false traces yet within theoretical considerations, I did not rethink PTG theory enough to combine it with any known tradition or system derived from religious backgrounds etc. My intention was of exploration kind not of proving kind. Professor’s intention was to find what he expected (typical confirmation bias as it is called in cognitive psychology) due to having a practical need to encounter something conclusive and conclusive within his well known field of research. This is easy to understand but someone who has opened mind and is a bit creative would see different values of my work. Of exploratory kind, suggestions for seeking new traces for discoveries rather that religious devotion of myself like to Buddhism tradition. That professor did not know me at all because I never talked with him because felt his reluctance. I was surprised when dr E. Z-Ścigała mentioned in one email that professor perceives me as having extremely wide knowledge. Right but why he introduced so piggy pervert scenario during my defense? To encourage or to discourage me from any academic career? I only ensured myself that Buddhist tradition is worth to explore more but especially because I have read a huge portion of Indian and Chinese texts yet in the year 2006. It does not make me an Indian or a Chinese. But makes me more opened to new ideas. I see Western science as hermetic prejudiced not easily verified system in general. System that closed itself under being too closed from the beginning, by an assumption. And I am not a proponent or someone to discourage from Western science. For example British scientific books I encountered in my life are extremely versatile and exhaustive. When I traveled once on Queen Mary 2 I liked to visit a marine library and was impressed about British books about sailing, exploring and oceans. I liked to scroll them and read them for hours. American science compared to this was something too ambitious for me sometimes. And easily getting science fiction due to overly ambition. And prof. Trzebiński appeared to me as a neophyte. Someone who after years of communism suddenly found new religion in US science and its dogma. And among Polish economists I found also dogmatists but also much more open minded people. And used to be not easily to agree with psychologists from SWPS who as if established their position only on Amercian style marketing and belief that everything can be sold. And ideas are something to be traded like on a market. That concepts come and go and there are trends we need to follow to get internationally accepted achievements like points for publications etc. In my opinion this person used whole own knowledge in order to destroy me personally in terms of belief system, personality, assumptions, but not only. Also he tried to figure out my relationships. Tried to change my thinking habits but that referred also to how I see myself even in terms of very personal beliefs. He was not able to stick to theoretical problems and empirical data but much more exceeded his interest towards me in order to seek for my weaknesses to work on them. This is an action of a not creative person with a serious psychological problem. This is not an action oriented on seeing new horizons in a particular field but to make other person a subordinate. This is an animal behavior that I would rather attribute to kind of abuse and looking for an advantage over someone else. And when we take into account the fact that this was a professor with an academic status this was a behavior unworthy of a someone who sets up himself among enlightened academics. Even behavior of Ms Marszał-Wiśniewska was just a simple switching roles in that situation and from being a victim of an abuse I was indicated to be a perpetrator of a potential innuendo towards this professor. This is a behavior of an identity theft kind and many close encounters between people like when you need to prove something to someone else or to defend – what a specific term. What an accidental convergence of a potential to abuse someone else with an arrangement of a situation to prove to be respected! In civilized world a respect is a variation of human dignity and that belief lies behind a Christian but not only root of popular in Western countries habit to be kind to other people. Being kind means not only not to be aggressive, not to accuse or insult someone else. Being kind means also to be ready to help when it does not cost us much or conflict our values or life interests. For my whole life so far I am surprised how much opposite is often among people and observed a lot especially behavior of people in Poland. There attitudes are least balance I have ever experienced. And maybe this is what locates Poland closer to Arabic countries. Simply. For Polish emotions, preferences, freedom is more important than daily service to good manner, preserving good habits, good attitude and approach to other people. People in Poland not excluding professors see in so called kindness a falseness. And prefer or to share everything with someone else or kick them off like in a marriage. Because only this can see as true compared to kindness what may be fake like I am kind in my general attitude but may think bad about you same time. Or many other variations. Need for overly sharing or taming other ape metaphorically saying is seen as more true situation making and giving a room for distance like when accepting behavior based on kindness we generate a room for uncertainty of potential behavior of other person. Personally I see kindness as a feature that 1) flattens social game – so we do not play too tough as a habit, 2) gives a room for having own reflections and spaces of what we want to reveal, what not, what social mask choose to be and what keep just as private – sometimes prejudices, irrationalities but private. I found myself comfortable in a model of behavior with existence of kindness and am highly reluctant to affiliating with no matter who it is God, a girl, a professor too fast. Any attempts from the opposite of this kind make me scared and I analyze motives in details. When normally under so called kindness I am sure that 99% of behavior of other people would be predictable because simply limited to kindness. So not doing me a potential harm in most cases and not challenging my self-esteem, self-reflection all the time. And I see particularly this as ultimately normal compared to behavior of people who break walls too easily. I do not believe to the last nerve when such a situation happens. And being on friendly terms with someone else is generally devoted for a very limited set of situations and with who this may actually happen for me. I used to have such relationships with girls for example. And rarely but also with other man but it had to be a uniquely good mental connection what does not mean a sex relationship immediately. I mean I do not see any relationship like that as a rule and never as a beginning. And extremely rare is to have a connection with a man like with a woman to explore the need for a sexual relationship. But however there are of course gay man who when not used to be offensive at all to me made me I realized their nature and sometimes realized them to be unique in terms of kind of what mind they actually have but this ends for me in terms of a sense „aha, I know this person now much better” and mostly that’s it. It was extremely rare for me to regard any kind of a relationship with other man in terms of close to the degree that for example there is no ego or ambition. But in science relationships are in fact different! Because intellectual and cognitive goals are rarely to be achieved individually. But often discussions reveal a lot of aggression and on the other hand relationships in science may be sometimes like private relationship but rarely intimate. Sometimes they open new mind-windows to reshape some categories of thinking but to have with another academic such a „journey” does not have from by a definition something in common with so called intimacy but often woman who are mostly messed up rainbow style are jealous and fuck up man for every time they share something with someone else or more with that person but not with other person etc. etc. But this is a messy woman’s nature to control and predict but not to accept the nature of simply someone else! Just another story! I was always surprised any time no matter with a girl or other man when they consequently tried to break too many walls. Even to show me to be mistaken from scientific point of view. On the other hand when other man like a scientist tried to correct me in what could resort to what is more intimate for me I experienced correct interventions of this kind – this means not regarded to be sexual for me but I experienced also kind of harassment of a sexual kind. And realize what kind of aggression or other not too respectable intervention I face. Maybe some people have real problem like pedophiles, like sometimes scientists who get into minds of abusers, get poisoned by confusions of dark minds of eg. rapists and do not know how to get rid of such emotions. I had classes and lectures with policemans for example who continued their experience as if continued a psychotic dream of a nightmare of a remnant of unlucky too close confrontation with a perpetrator of some crime and they continued that experience as if continued to dream during psychodrama during classes and many times so that some elements of it looked like directed to teach us something but some emotions were actually what still was inside of a „soul” of such a policeman. They did not get rid of a bad memory or a trauma. I remember the most a psychologist who worked in a prison and his colleague – it was woman – was terrorized by a prisoner with a piece of glass from broken window and wanted to cut a neck of her. And this psychologist even during classes had real emotions of hysteria or panic when we tried to recall that even in terms of a psychodrama. Often victims of real trauma not only victims of scary reading about abusers – but such can have also an instance of a trauma anyway! Such victims carry on their „souls”  evidently a luggage, remnants of emotions of perpetrator. This is scary but this is how it actually is. That abused person has a double unwanted „gift”. One is of course an unpleasant experience of eg. a rape. Often short-time but intense and extremely unpleasant, often namely painful, also painful in terms of a load of a shame, guilt, disgust, disgust due to a shape, smell, inequality with a perpetrator, his thoughts. So intimate contact of a victim may be so scary experience like a death of a close relative! When we compare this with a scale of stressful life events for example. So being abused in terms of broken barriers of physical and psychological kind has a few consequences that some last longer and some in a form of a memory remain in a memory of a victim for lifetime! I regard that maybe this professor has psychotic modes of thinking. That he did not work on something from his life or situations he personally encountered thereby transmit a „transaction” from his past experience into a formal situation I participated in. But I do not want to absolve someone with academic title. I did not get till now a satisfactory explanation for whole embarrassing situation when I stated every conditions of my own situations immediately in a letter to authorities of SWPS. And wonder how I would feel if I did not do that then! It was my last step of a period that took 7 years of my life and an education I paid 50 000 zł. And to encounter just a primate was not acceptable for me. To walk away from a room when I answered examination questions etc. Without saying something like „I am sorry. Can you interrupt for a while I need to walk away and will come back in 3-5 minutes”. I would stop immediately if I was asked like that. And this humiliating experience was just an announcement of disrespectful further series of questions that for me meant that professor did not read into my thesis too much. And when I read an explanation of Ms. Marchau-Wiśniewska I realized when she stated that professor knew this thesis perfectly that this is simply a game to erase a shame, and to avoid suspicions towards them. I am sure he read my thesis 10 times and just somewhere between 7 and 8 he knew this 90% by heart but to remember most difficult parts he needed to repeat this task to finally 10 time! Impressive. Now I know a reason for his anger. He has simply spent under my thesis whole week and was angry that did not have even time to eat something. So just when he saw me, his blood pressure increased immediately, and then…

Many traces of abusive behavior lead to an abusive past and then only it needs some time until roles just switch. But this is so called transmission of trauma mechanism, spread of aggression, aggression spiral, action and reaction law, karma etc.

#3 Other person after #2 that no matter what intentions and barrier I create just want to jump into my private space is for example Agnieszka Turek described in my few reflections. I really do not understand these attempts and if she is not ill probably I am. This means I have no right to see and feel the world with my own categories and senses. If I treated her attitude seriously I should think something like this. That the way she sees me my limits, goals, what values sees as disabilities I should agree with only due to a seductive impression of her! Brilliant. Antoni Kępiński exactly wrote about delusions in schizophrenia episodes that woman develop delusions of love kind and man of heroism. And what she tries to suggestively persuade via many types of mediums how to express, impress and seduce in simply delusional. I do not share and agree with what she intends to. I do not share a need to socialize around her, what she tries to emphasize – just to settle around etc. So her impressions are like accusations just thrown at me suggestions to subject to them. Just effects of paranoid projective identification that if I identified with them then a next stage – inducing of a not reasoned guilt, switching roles, identity theft (to simplify – identity theft in most simple shape would be to acquire someone else specific language, way they express or release emotions, the way how they impress or disclose – namely – everything that used to be attributed to a concrete person but other person tries just to copy that pattern to look like that person and be associated with that person no matter if someone who originally is like that would agree with this or not or would like this or not – sometimes we do not like those who try to mimic us, may regard this as hostile, rude, and often this is least proof for eg. sympathy! but rather simply a best proof of a theft or counterfeiting attempts, what I associate sometimes with something I could call a rape or to fuck up – to fuck up means many things because is colloquial but of course I mean hostile actions, not asked, often using what can be directly associated with someone else) etc… Scary. Creepy scary but this is what I discovered how she is and what is completely normal to her. So I prefer to see her among not diagnosed but for some reasons ill people who suffer from something I do not really know because I simply do not know her. And never wanted. If I wanted to be really honest I should refer to so called borderline personality disorder. But this is more scary than schizophrenia and people with BPD, especially not diagnosed, never cured are very skilled about predicting moves, overspeeding, switching roles, projections, using offensive projections just to project them, attribute them to someone to poison, to freeze (when someone experiences a dissociative state due to an emotional hurt like rejection etc. this may be exactly a metaphorical reflection of just a freeze when one animal is threatened by other). So this is not a seduction mechanism in the full meaning of a seduction as a natural evolutionary tendency to affiliate in order to build an exclusive system to have something in common to increase an opportunity to build a family etc. At the end of course. This is rather a mechanism of killing, or better to say finishing someone like spiders do. There are of course types of spiders like a black widow that eat a man after sex! As being from a family of sometimes devoid of criticism nature lovers I am taught to see the world like biologists do. And sometimes do not judge so much like people who see only cultural circumstances do! And I see that some mechanisms should be seen as they are for real. That some people are born octopuses and other as spiders. Some are born dogs. Some are born spiders and learned to look and seduce like dogs to reveal after that to be poisonous spiders. I do not see schizophrenia, depression or personality disorder in this. I see an adaptation mechanism that environment probably consequently rewarded a person for such a behavior. Young person has grown in a sense of developing an adaptive strategy of survival. So there is nothing wrong in competing, manifesting oneself with such skills. Some people do not expose what is bad about them. Some expose everything and here a remark – this is what people in mania episode exactly do. And mood disorders are another mysterious phenomena to understand from completely different perspective than for example schizophrenia! Being effective in offending someone else can cause to a spider a happiness, sense of having a success. And such a person should have been numerous times rewarded for being poisonous seductive and toxic to me! I am sure of this and do not believe this belief to be paranoid that simply there are more people of toxic strategies so they do not need someone called „frajer” like me. Term frajer in Czech is rather positive means elegant. In Poland means naive, being easy target to „fuck up”. So this is probably popular behavior to rape or fuck up someone in a modern urban bush. So here is one of endless cultural differences. Polish used to have one pope due to national trauma of second world war and communism times but are completely not of a saint nature. Are simply cruel by nature and I do not understand why to do so many research like Polish scientists do when this is obvious that there are so many rooted norms that the majority agree with. And Poland is so low integrated from cultural point of view that even schizophrenia has to be seen more from biological not cultural point of view! There is no such a thing like a culture of a notion of West. There is no such a thing like a kindness for example! There is only hospitality but seen in terms of a game of social exchange. My hospitality should meet with your hospitality one day. So I am not kind to you as a rule. Just because I am a human. But. I have always interest but when you meet with my hospitality this means I expect the same. This is more or less Polish nature of social exchange. So where is that Christianity from 966???

#4 Another person – Maria Szczepaniak is doing a career now due to reading my mind earlier. She assessed that what interested me the most may be probably something to gain from (I do not mean exactly money – she may be seen also as a person who was searching for something to be simply satisfied however I realized a few times that my choices determined her choices!). She learned from a few people who had something interesting to say. During lectures or sometimes privately. And this girl who previously studied German philology has a wish to become a good specialist when beating rivals in her struggle to gain a scientific degree in psychology. It is stupid because when she beat every rival she will simply do not have anyone to talk with! Sad story but she feared a few years ago that she will land in a mental hospital and as I am not sure about Agnieszka Turek, I anticipate a bit that Maria Szczepaniak can end on a psychiatric ward. Because she is rude but in fact extremely empath as well. This is simply double problem. On one hand she discourages people to herself and makes enemies too fast like she did an enemy my ex wife really fast. Im Augenblick! On the other hand she may get exhausted by finally emptiness and an empathy that exhausts easily especially when people are so lonely that do not realize that are empath really exhausting way. Empathy may be her natural state but may be just a result of an emptiness due to simply a bad character. She prejudicially thought that I share some scary story of her kind. But her projections revealed to me only that she experienced and maybe is still experiencing some kind of long lasting abuse but also – I do not know her at all. This is only what me as a mentalist” this means a person who uses empathy to carefully pay attention to statements, thoughts behind statements of a person, emotions that sometimes fit to what someone else says and sometimes does not fit what is called that are not congruent so simply – what I can read from her emotions and attitude. But. To be honest. Not too much.

Tbt #3. Surprisingly I „see” future of Agnieszka T. successful. Agnieszka „steals” with a grace that pleases and rewards thousands of problematic people from small military cities. She impresses with a grace that she can simply fuck up people like me. Attributed to have so much but allegedly who wasted opportunities. What I can say? No one asked me as a child if this is what I wanted. I paid for an exposure to thousand mostly not reasoned judgments about me that I never asked other people for with states similar to a mental disease and the fact that Agnieszka Turek has learned to abuse me does not mean anything. If she was intelligent she could choose her own story to write. But she is not intelligent or creative. She is just an intuitive schizoid observer of who is exposed with what in order to rob immediately (of thoughts, beliefs, attributions, manifestations of preferences etc. – typical objects of jealousy of not creative extroverted a bit people who want to shine in someone else light when especially think or successfully diminish their own light, what comes from them – reflections etc.). Nothing impressive. Just typical rat behavior. This is why there is seen a relationship between neuroticism and psychopathy. Other thing is that she wants to look that have something. Achieved some standard of living. A floor. And preserved body fit easily seen in anorexia body shape. But holds her dog on a leash with a strong hand grip like a typical Polish village witch. She is „vanishing” in fact. Maybe due to some disease. Or repressed guilt as intuitive specialist like psychologist or specialist in psychosomatic issues could see more carefully in how someone treats own body – in this case too strict, keeping too much discipline what in moments of a release can have catastrophic turns like towards bulimia or obesity!  People suffer so many diseases, conditions, generally so much that I am not to judge them – their luggage of faults, guilt, mistaken strategies to copy someone, to cheat, to eavesdrop. Simple mimicry is a strategy to rob someone else during classes with a teacher. To suck every quantum of motivating, positive energy. Because in a teamwork you can rob someone – abuse his or her self-esteem, ashame, steal his or her ideas and look as if it was yours. I could recall also many examples of such a behavior from psychology studies because during economics studies people used to have more honor, or used to be more ambitious or just more intelligent or creative. Variations of behavior of this kind I could attribute to identity theft cases – but in a world we live in fortunes have been built on more or less thefts of this kind!! When you were scared so many times in life to land on a street maybe you have a habit like Agnieszka T. to do this repeatedly, to treat this satisfaction like a narcotic joyride. I observed her mania when my cat was dying, my relationships were in pieces. I was lying in a bed in Szklarska Poręba in 2014 and writing to her. And that was a moment she thrived the most. She was drunk from satisfaction that I failed in life. But not due to my mistake. I did some. But not that I did not choose Agnieszka many years before. People choose someone for different reasons and often by accident and often this is love and there is no such a thing that Agnieszka T. was someone to be attributed to be someone true compared with other to be seen as false or a mistake. She is not extraordinary in terms of relationships to see in her even kind of a friend. And other people cannot be simply false as a rule. But when she thought something like this it was a reason for her manic episode. So I think that only a motivation to compare with me, to defeat me was a fire and a drive for her and this may be also a reason for her failure and ultimate fail in life in general. And I see that anorexia may be just a result of a bit manic beginning. Because there was never my intention to have a relationship with her. However her attitude sometimes was regarded by me in terms of warm feelings but always confronted with something that for real never fit. And never actualize as a real experience. So some girls are good in illusions but real relationships exhaust them and destroy them and I believe that the fact she sees me as a monster. And wants that projection to be completely swallowed by me reveals her general life failure in terms maybe of everything. Beliefs, wishes, values, dreams and weak abilities to build real life relationships. I think that to build a relationship someone has to be really motivated by sense of being under a spell and charm of someone to the degree that money, status, any exposed signs to social comparisons never count. When I realized that she only wants to „use” me to mock me, fuck me up and expose my vulnerabilities and then to show how she lives, what she can afford I realized that this is a wound but a wound that no one else has let her do. So I did. I intentionally experimented with her mania. Maybe this is not ethical. But people who concentrate only on material things have to hit the bottom at least once. I do not care. But they have to to realize what represents almost no value in terms of relationships. And I realized in this case that my curiosity and experimenter’s nature is a bit dangerous. Generally. But I am not someone to have a relationship with from the position of someone superior to me. This is a typical failure girls often do thinking that I need such an experience to feel safe or that this is a general rule to „close” a relationship into new formed system. I see such people as having a great problem. Especially with trust. I talk often with numerous girls via internet who are so boring what position they start from and when we go to some point they just fall into pieces and reveal so much of ignorance and doubts that if I was cruel I could hurt someone everyday. But usually I heal what satisfies me enough. I chose to be a clinical psychologist and my life only confirmed that maybe I am born also to different tasks but this is a role I need to general fulfillment and if I helped someone the last thing they can do is to feel special due to this or extraordinary. I still think how to make for example someone I will need to make feel special that she realize that is much different than those who I generally simply help and nothing more. But I would rather never write about such a person. Rather should understand me on more instinctive level that no embarrassments like with such Agnieszkas happen. But if she realize one day that was just an ordinary person to me and has no right to look up my life and judge people I encounter? This is probably the worst shit of such people in my life and sometimes I draw a lot of negativity towards me. And I think periods of darkness are natural periods like woman have just periods (in Polish language called sometimes cieczka) to get rid of such „not mes”, of thrown against me suspicions to have hidden motives, feeble or something. Reality is more boring. All rags I met in my life have least idea what I generally like and it starts from even how much salt I would add to my meal. So imagining me intimately is so great nonsense that only rainbow daisies can still believe that fucking with someone else everyday makes them social and fit. Clinical psychology would rather say that when you change partners too often, you must leak, when you leak you have least chance to have friends. When you have no friends, yes the only thing you can if you are at least apparently attractive is to fuck with anyone who just want it. With every color of skin and shade.